"My heart is shattered, yet I can convince myself and those around me that everything is fine. Life has never been better. The days come and go and I find myself a little farther from You each day. When did spending time with You become a chore or a box to check off my list? Father here I am. Use me, lead me, mold me, send me, break me. Whatever needs to be done to change this heart of mine, do it before I fall into the lies of this world. Heal what has been broken.", was my prayer as I left my house at 12:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday July, 5th. I had no idea what this trip would entail. Actually that was a lie. This would be my fourth and final year in Esprit de Corps. I knew what it was like, I knew the people we would encounter, the concerts we would perform, I knew how this trip worked inside and out. A part of me did not want to leave for tour, because that meant that one of the most wonderful part of my life would be coming to an end. Another part felt like this year would not be like the past three years. My not very trusting self believed that God had done all He could do in my life through Esprit. You would think that after having these thoughts before and God showing me otherwise, that I would learn to just let God do His work. After a performance at my home church and a night spent in a hotel, we were headed to McCook, Nebraska, where we performed at a lovely church filled with sweet people. After the concert I greeted those who took the time to attend the concert. I listened to stories and comments like, "Wonderful job, Grace. Oh Thank you for your message, Grace. Grace truly does win." I remember thinking, "Uhm, they know my names not actually Grace right? That's just the character I played." I really did not think too much of their comments, just politely thanked them, shook their hand, gave them a hug, and moved onto the next person. You see I was part of a skit called Guilt or Grace?, written by the amazing Carey Helmink. I played Grace. I really struggled with tapping into that part of me again. Understanding Grace is one thing, but to have to play a character based on God's grace and portray it through a few lines seemed almost impossible. Sure I knew the lines and the skit, I acted as well as I possibly could, but I'm not sure it really meant anything to me until the next night. On Thursday we headed out to Bailey, Colorado where we would perform at my favorite venue, a summer camp called camp IdRaHaJe, meaning- I'd Rather Have Jesus. This was our third year performing at this camp and it was always such a joy! This year, those who did not have a job to help set up, headed up the side of a mountain to spend sometime in reflection and prayer. As we walked to the spot we would settle, I remembered my prayer for my heart. As we sat on rocks and over looked a breath taking sight of mountains, clouds, and trees, the reflection portion of our time began. One by one individuals spoke words like, "Majestic, holy, enormous, incredible creation, we are small, oh how he loves, who are we?, how big God really is, Blessed, masterpiece." The words continued and the reality of how incredibly enormous and awesome God is began to set in. We began to pray words of praise and words of need. At the end we sang Cast My Cares by Finding Favour- one of the songs we performed in our concert. Read these words slowly and with your heart, "When fear feels bigger than my faith, and struggles steal my breath away. When my backs pressed up against the wall with the weight of my worries stacked up tall, you're strong enough to hold it all. I will cast my cares on you. You're the anchor of my soul, the only one who's in control. I will cast my cares on you. I'll trade the troubles in this world for your peace inside my soul. This war's not what I would have chosen, but you see the future no one knows yet. You're still good when I can't see the working of your hands. You're holding it all." As we sang those lyrics, the words began to click inside my heart. It was like each verse mended a piece that had been broken and I was left a weeping mess. As we wrapped up our time at that part of the mountain side, I began to pull myself together, only to be embraced with hugs from those I have come to know and totally lost it again. I managed to break away from the group and find a spot to sit until I could regain control of my emotions. As my feet dangled over the edge of the "cliff" I was on a sweet girl who I love dearly came, helped me up and walked with me. After a I managed to mumble a few words out, one of the sponsors on the trip came beside us. We talked and I cried, at the time I was not really sure why I was such a mess. As we walked holding hands, I began to recover from my meltdown just in time, as we arrived at the tent for warm-up. I managed to make it through a couple songs with not even the smallest of tears, until we got to one of our ballad songs, Never Walk Alone by Johnson & Williams/ Arr. by Marty Hamby. As you read these lyrics, really think about what they mean. "Arms stretched out wide, barely hanging on to life, left to suffer on your own. You came for all mankind to bridge the great divide, and somehow ended up alone. Because of all the blood and tears you shed, I will never know that kind of loneliness. Your Spirit Never leaves me. Even when I'm hurting, I don't have to bear that burden on my own. You carried all the pain and buried all the shame when you made that rugged tree your righteous throne... My problems don't compare to that crown you had to wear. Still you take them as your own." My problems, my issues, my struggles, all that I deal with does not even come close to how Jesus suffered just so I would not have to deal with life alone. Tears streamed down my face as I made my way from the tent to a patch of grass overlooking the camp. "YOU carried ALL the pain and buried ALL the shame when you made that rugged tree your righteous throne." The words ran through my mind as yet again something inside my heart clicked. A few more shattered pieces of my heart were stitched back together, when I was reassured that no matter where I go, what I do, or what happens in life, my heavenly Father NEVER leaves. Because of me and for me Jesus died so that I would never be alone. Jesus walked this earth just like we are. He knows how it feels to be rejected, hurt, and alone. He knows the aches and pains of this world. He knows everything. Our God is so big, so loving, and so incredibly awesome. The same God that formed the universe, knit our lives together, created everything from the smallest of ants to the largest of galaxies. This God that carved the mountains and paints a beautiful sunsets each evening, loves us. He cares for us. He is for us. When we are helpless and broken, He is the first to pick us up and assure us that we are precious in His eyes and that we are loved more than we could ever know. For the first time in months, these words could not have been more true to me. As I continued to ponder the words that ran across my mind, I heard the song that lead into the skit I took part in, Grace Wins by Matthew West. "In my weakest moment I see you, shaking your head in disgrace. I can read the disappointment, written all over your face. Here comes those whispers in my ear, saying 'who do you think you are? I guess you're on your own from here cause grace could never reach that far.' but in the shadow of that shame beat down by all that blame, I hear you call my name, saying 'it's not over,' and my heart starts to beat so loud now drowning out the doubt.... There's a war between, guilt and grace and they're fighting for a sacred space. But I'm living proof- Grace wins every time." There I sat in a weak moment. Broken and torn, yet whole and mended. All of who I was, who I am, and who I will one day be is because of God's grace. I don't deserve life, yet He gives me the breath of life. When this cold world has left me broken and my heart in pieces, with a smile on my face I can say, "You are SO good Lord!" Because when life does not go the way I think it should, I know that God has a better adventure in store. When I'm left to hopelessly fight the world on my own, I won't be alone. When circumstances I can not control, fly bigger than I can try to contain, I know my God can calm the strongest of winds. As I sat in that weak moment, that no one is ever suppose to see, I sat and talked with my Heavenly Father. I sat as he slowly renewed and healed my crushed heart. My heart that had been torn out, trampled, thrown, beaten up, broken down, and shattered. My Heart is evident that Grace wins.
Later that evening we performed for many kinds and leaders. With a smile as wide as a mile I performed for those sweet faces, while fighting back the tears. Finally, it came time for my skit and I couldn't remember a single line. Nothing came to mind. The perfect scenario for God to work. From that night on, I was not Rebekah Raielle Henderson from Beatrice, Nebraska playing a character named Grace. I was Grace. I was the picture of God's grace. Each night I struggled to remember my lines, but that is because the Holy Spirit was speaking through me to portray exactly what God's grace looks like. What does God's grace look like? Look in the mirror? What do you see? Probably yourself. Look at all the cars during rush hour. What do you see? Probably people. God's grace looks like me. It looks like you. It looks like the people you pass on the street, the kids you babysit, your own children, your best friend, and your worst enemy. God's grace is who we are, but are we willing to accept it?
Fast Forward to Sunday Night. My final Esprit concert. Forever. Emotions were crazy, but I knew it was time for this chapter in my life to close for now. As we took the stage each song, narration, and skit had so much more meaning. When the concert came to an end, I barely made it off the stage as I burst into tears. My last Esprit tour had come to an end and oh did God do some good stuff. My heart stung a little as I said 'goodbye' to so many that I have had the privilege of knowing. Is it really goodbye though? definitely not. I will see them again, if not on this earth, I know I will see them when we get to heaven. You know, I hear a lot of stories of how Esprit has changed the lives of so many that we have the honor to encounter, while that may be true, the people we encounter truly change our lives and God truly changes our hearts. I picture my life a lot differently without Esprit and the people I have met. I will never forget Heidi, Raymond, and Gilbert- the three homeless individuals that I had the great joy to talk to and pray with last year. I will never forget as we sang "Hello My Name is" at the Beatrice State Development Center two years ago, how much joy was seen on the faces of the residents and how there was barely a dry eye in the room. I will never forget my freshmen year, the hope we gave at a homeless shelter for men or the joy we gave little kiddos at a camp for mentally challenged kids. These memories and so many more are ones I will cherish my entire life. I will never forget. These are the memories I can look back on and truly say, "God was very present there" or "He gives and takes away but blessed be the name of the Lord. " God is so incredibly good. As I begin the transition to the next chapter of my life my prayer is these song lyrics by Colton Dixon- "More of you less of me. Make me who I'm meant to be. You're all I want, all I need, you're everything. Take it all- I surrender. God I choose more of you and less of me... This life I hold so close, oh God I let it go. I refuse to gain the world and lose my soul. Take it all I abandon everything I am you can have it... I surrender all." I surrender all. All to you I surrender Lord.
