I find myself doing things that were common in Honduras. I find myself wide awake at 6 a.m. waiting for geckos to croak and birds to come flying in my room. I find my self jumping almost every time someone comes up behind me or touches me. I can not look anyone in the eye for very long and walking anywhere requires me to zone everyone out and stay focused on my surroundings and where I am headed. My time in Honduras opened my eyes. I left my door unlocked one night and almost had a panic attack, forgetting that before I left, I always left my door unlocked and I could leave my computer on a table at Scooters with out a second thought, but now I question everything.
Here is what a typical outing in town would be like: My phone would be between my hip and waistband, my money in my bra, and not making eye contact with anyone. I rarely took a purse, because it would get stolen, there was no 'if'' it would, it was 'when' it would happen. My debit card, I.D., passport, Social Security card, and any other cards or important papers I normally carried while traveling, were left in a bag under my bed. Adria would usually carry a purse with her things and a roll of toilet paper, because if you were lucky enough to find a bathroom, there was a really good chance there would not be toilet paper or running water or a toilet seat, or even a toilet. Walking down the street you could greet people, but most would just stare at you in disgust, because you are North American, except for guys. I was an especially great target for guys, because I have blonde hair, blue eyes, light skin, and hips. Nothing else about me mattered, not the rest of my looks, personality, or anything, as long as I had those 4 features, I was perfect for them and they made sure I knew. Job and Adria always stressed to just keep walking and try to ignore it. Cat calling in town was a huge deal. I could not go anywhere with out getting a head to toe look at or a "Hey baby" and any other minuscule English terms they knew that they would use to try to impress me. Life in Honduras was a simple kind of complex. While I constantly worried about whether I would return home each day and kept myself at a distance from certain parts of the culture, there was a simplicity of life down there that I miss deeply. The love most families showed, was one I had never seen from a family in the States before. I can't quite explain it, but it was genuine and it was what held them together. Most had only what they needed and that was enough. The cherished what they had. Even though there was crime on every corner, families lived happily and in harmony. The ones who knew the value of life lived well and wisely, those who did not value life, terrorized the city with corruption and greed and wickedness.
As I sit in my dorm as I write this, I am struggling. Struggling to adjust, struggling to find motivation to do my homework, struggling to not break down every time a memory floats into my head, struggling to remember that there are no geckos or birds in the ceiling, struggling to feel safe wherever I go. I am struggling. I see a picture the kids drew me or a picture I took and them and just cry, because it is not fair that I got to leave and they had to stay and there was nothing I could do about it. It's not fair that I have all the water to drink and waste and they barely have enough to survive. It's not fair that I have a buffet at my school and they eat dirt. It's not fair and I'm struggling with knowing that I can not change it by myself and that I can not do more. I have a hard time not looking at North Americans and even my peers in disgust of how greedy and wasteful they are and how much they complain over things my kids would never ever dream of being able to complain about. I have to stay quiet when I walk into the bathroom and see the sinks overflowing with wasted water and all I can think about is how many of my kids, the only place they got a sufficient amount of clean drinking water, was at school. God has opened my eyes, but unfortunately, not everyone has the same eyes as me. Apart of me has this conflict. Part of me wants to stay in school, get my degree, pay off my loans, and make memories with my friends, but another part wants to drop everything and leave to Honduras and teach. I am not sure what God's plan for me is yet, but I know it does involve me going back to Honduras. Soon. Next summer to be exact. Not only am I struggling to adjust to life while I am awake, but even while I am asleep. I have not settled in to a normal sleep pattern and often wake up a minimum of 3 times each night terrified over some dream I just had. It is rough. I'm not going to sugar coat it, these last two month I have had some of the greatest experiences of my life while walking through hell. Aside from adjusting to life while in Honduras I dealt with being away from family when I really should have been there. They day before I left for Honduras my grandma was admitted to the hospital for heart issues. I knew getting on the plane was going to be hard, but that made it almost impossible. She had surgery while I was in Honduras. My first week there I got super sick and ended up being allergic to my Malaria pill. I also later found out after being home for a week that I got walking pneumonia while there. The next week one of my favorite and dearest Sunday school teachers passed away after a hard fight with cancer and I missed the funeral. The next week my mom was in the hospital for potential heart issues and I had lost wifi that entire weekend. I dealt with being away and having to put every single bit of trust in God, because while all of this was happening, I still had kids to teach and people to love on. This entire journey has been about me learning how to let God lead and trusting in Him to provide, plan, keep me safe, and speak through me. A week after being back at school I receive a text saying my grandma was being taken to the hospital by ambulance to have a pace maker put in and even though I was back in the same country, I still felt so far away and so helpless. A couple days after my grandmas surgery my aunt had a stroke in the middle of the night and had immediate surgery. Like I said while Honduras was an amazing experience, walking through this journey and readjusting has been walking though hell at times.
There was a song that I had running through my head while I was in Honduras, that made me keep my eyes on God. It's called "Thy Will", by Hilary Scott. Here are a few verses.
"I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear. So I followed through, somehow I ended up here. I don't wanna think, I may never understand, that my broken heart is apart of your plan. When I tried to pray all I got was hurt and these four words: Thy Will Be Done.... I know your good, but this don't feel good right now And I know you think of things I could never think about. It's hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise, just trying to make sense off all your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God, and I am not...." Look up the rest of the song, It's a really good one I promise! That song spoke to me every day, even though I had no way to listen to it, it helped guide me through my journey, and I think it will continue to.
I know that adjusting to life in the United States will continue to be a struggle, but it's kind of like how we as Christians are. We try to adjust to the world, yet this is not our home. We don't belong here. We are constantly feeling out of place and "Homesick", because our home is with our Father in heaven. We are just passing through. I know that God has placed it on my heart to continue to do missions work and I am excited to see where He takes me, but for now I am reminded of another song, this one by Tenth Avenue North, called, "Hallelujah We are Free to Struggle". Which goes like this: "There's a wreckage, there's a fire, There's a weakness in my love, There's a hunger I can't control. Lord, I falter and I fall down, Then I hold on to chains You broke, When You came and saved my soul. Save my soul. Hallelujah We are free to struggle. We're not struggling to be free. Your blood bought and makes us children. Children, drop your chains and sing.
Because of God's love and because of the cross I am free to struggle. It is okay for me to not be okay, but it is not okay for me to stay and sit in the sorrow and pain I am feeling, but it is okay to take those feelings and make a difference. God is still good, He is still faithful, and He still has a perfect plan.
As I sit in my dorm as I write this, I am struggling. Struggling to adjust, struggling to find motivation to do my homework, struggling to not break down every time a memory floats into my head, struggling to remember that there are no geckos or birds in the ceiling, struggling to feel safe wherever I go. I am struggling. I see a picture the kids drew me or a picture I took and them and just cry, because it is not fair that I got to leave and they had to stay and there was nothing I could do about it. It's not fair that I have all the water to drink and waste and they barely have enough to survive. It's not fair that I have a buffet at my school and they eat dirt. It's not fair and I'm struggling with knowing that I can not change it by myself and that I can not do more. I have a hard time not looking at North Americans and even my peers in disgust of how greedy and wasteful they are and how much they complain over things my kids would never ever dream of being able to complain about. I have to stay quiet when I walk into the bathroom and see the sinks overflowing with wasted water and all I can think about is how many of my kids, the only place they got a sufficient amount of clean drinking water, was at school. God has opened my eyes, but unfortunately, not everyone has the same eyes as me. Apart of me has this conflict. Part of me wants to stay in school, get my degree, pay off my loans, and make memories with my friends, but another part wants to drop everything and leave to Honduras and teach. I am not sure what God's plan for me is yet, but I know it does involve me going back to Honduras. Soon. Next summer to be exact. Not only am I struggling to adjust to life while I am awake, but even while I am asleep. I have not settled in to a normal sleep pattern and often wake up a minimum of 3 times each night terrified over some dream I just had. It is rough. I'm not going to sugar coat it, these last two month I have had some of the greatest experiences of my life while walking through hell. Aside from adjusting to life while in Honduras I dealt with being away from family when I really should have been there. They day before I left for Honduras my grandma was admitted to the hospital for heart issues. I knew getting on the plane was going to be hard, but that made it almost impossible. She had surgery while I was in Honduras. My first week there I got super sick and ended up being allergic to my Malaria pill. I also later found out after being home for a week that I got walking pneumonia while there. The next week one of my favorite and dearest Sunday school teachers passed away after a hard fight with cancer and I missed the funeral. The next week my mom was in the hospital for potential heart issues and I had lost wifi that entire weekend. I dealt with being away and having to put every single bit of trust in God, because while all of this was happening, I still had kids to teach and people to love on. This entire journey has been about me learning how to let God lead and trusting in Him to provide, plan, keep me safe, and speak through me. A week after being back at school I receive a text saying my grandma was being taken to the hospital by ambulance to have a pace maker put in and even though I was back in the same country, I still felt so far away and so helpless. A couple days after my grandmas surgery my aunt had a stroke in the middle of the night and had immediate surgery. Like I said while Honduras was an amazing experience, walking through this journey and readjusting has been walking though hell at times.
There was a song that I had running through my head while I was in Honduras, that made me keep my eyes on God. It's called "Thy Will", by Hilary Scott. Here are a few verses.
"I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear. So I followed through, somehow I ended up here. I don't wanna think, I may never understand, that my broken heart is apart of your plan. When I tried to pray all I got was hurt and these four words: Thy Will Be Done.... I know your good, but this don't feel good right now And I know you think of things I could never think about. It's hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise, just trying to make sense off all your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God, and I am not...." Look up the rest of the song, It's a really good one I promise! That song spoke to me every day, even though I had no way to listen to it, it helped guide me through my journey, and I think it will continue to.
I know that adjusting to life in the United States will continue to be a struggle, but it's kind of like how we as Christians are. We try to adjust to the world, yet this is not our home. We don't belong here. We are constantly feeling out of place and "Homesick", because our home is with our Father in heaven. We are just passing through. I know that God has placed it on my heart to continue to do missions work and I am excited to see where He takes me, but for now I am reminded of another song, this one by Tenth Avenue North, called, "Hallelujah We are Free to Struggle". Which goes like this: "There's a wreckage, there's a fire, There's a weakness in my love, There's a hunger I can't control. Lord, I falter and I fall down, Then I hold on to chains You broke, When You came and saved my soul. Save my soul. Hallelujah We are free to struggle. We're not struggling to be free. Your blood bought and makes us children. Children, drop your chains and sing.
Because of God's love and because of the cross I am free to struggle. It is okay for me to not be okay, but it is not okay for me to stay and sit in the sorrow and pain I am feeling, but it is okay to take those feelings and make a difference. God is still good, He is still faithful, and He still has a perfect plan.
