"As I walk this great unknown, questions come and questions go. Was there purpose for this pain? Did I cry these tears in vain? I don't want to live in fear. I want to trust that you are near. Trust your grace can be seen in both triumph and tragedy. I have this hope in the depths of my soul. In the flood or the fire you're with me, you won't let go." (I Have This Hope- Tenth Avenue North).
2 months.
55 days.
1,320 hours.
What. Am. I. Doing?
Better question: What is God doing? Almost two months ago I said yes to God's crazy plan. This plan that I still do not 100% understand and probably won't until it is complete. This plan that was almost perfect in my mind until a little crack was thrown in the path.
I sat on the chair next to my bed as I stared at my foot with tears steaming down my face. I leave in less than 2 months and there I sat with a potential broken foot. "This can not be happening now... What am I going do?! What is going to happen?! Will I still be able to go to Honduras?!" Questions like these and terror flooded my mind as I tried to pull myself together. I refused to go to the ER and refused to believe that there was anything wrong with my foot and that I was just over reacting. I tried walking on it multiple times through out that day with no success and after much debate, I broke down and went to a clinic where I was told my foot was not broken, but definitely cracked. The doctor called me the next afternoon to tell me that I had cracked 3 different bones in my foot and all of those questions and all the fear came swarming back. I was instructed to remain on crutches for the rest of the week and I am currently trapped in a clunky boot for a minimum of 3 weeks.
After I was done feeling sorry for myself and done freaking out over the fact that I could possibly lose the opportunity to go to Honduras, I turned on my Spotify and flipped open my Bible. The song, "I have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North happened to be playing and the verse that I happened to turn to was Mark 4:40, which says, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?... Who is this that even the wind and the sea obey Him?" Why was I so afraid?! Yes, my foot is out of commission and yes, it puts my trip at risk, but why exactly was I so afraid? The same God who controls the wind and waves guides my path. He knows exactly what is going to happen. He knows I am a clutz and knew that this would happen, yet I am so surprised. "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Who am I to question the plans of the one who created them? Who am I to doubt what God will do through this? Have I no faith? I read this story in Mark and look down at the disciples and think, "Pffft, really guys? This is Jesus- He can do anything! Just walk on the stinkin water." Yet, here I am doing the exact same thing. I doubt that good can really come from something that seems awful, but God makes beautiful things everyday. The disciples were terrified to trust Jesus during the storm and I'm terrified to trust Him with my trip to Honduras. In the middle of all this chaos, God is still good.
"Why are you so afraid?" Those words continue to linger in my mind. What can I do that God can't? The answer is nothing. No matter how high I build myself up or how strong I portray myself to be, the reality is that one little storm can leave me lost at sea, but even when I'm sinking I have no reason to be afraid, because God assures me that I do not have to cower in fear. He is with me through everything. He has never left me and He never will. Because of who God is and who He's shown me He is, I have this hope that no matter what happens within the next 3 months, that I do not have to be afraid and that I am free to find joy and rest in His grace.
In 55 days I will board a plane and leave this country on a mission bigger than I can even begin to imagine. As I think back to when I pressed the 'place order' button to buy the last ticket left to Honduras, a million scenarios and worries ran through my mind. "This is it. There's no going back now, you're all in. Oh my goodness this is really happening! What have I just done?! I have so much to do and so little time to do it all! How is everything going to work out?! Is it too late to say no? How am I suppose to be fully funded by the end of December?! I am suppose to plan a trip while not only being a full time student and working, but also being 5 hours away from my mom who I need to help me."
I have had quite a few of those moments when my mind starts to wander a little too much and it is absolutely terrifying. As I walk this great unknown these next couple months- there are so many questions that run through my mind. In a little under 2 months I will be responsible for checking myself into the airport, boarding the right flight, finding the couple I will be staying with, and live in a completely different culture for a month. There will be no one on the way to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay or to tell me where to go next or to double check my bags or anything. I will be all alone. Once my mom drops me off at the airport and we say our goodbyes, I am on my own until I arrive in Honduras and even in a sense while I am there. Thinking back to that night in September, when this journey became so real, I look at myself the way I looked at the disciples in Mark. So blind to what God is doing and too stubborn to just trust His plan. I think we all come to a point when we are terrified and don't know how to handle all the emotions it brings. We forget how big and mysterious God is and we try to figure everything out on our own, which leaves us in a frazzled mess to the point where saying we're terrified is an understatement. With out God we have every reason to be afraid, but with Him, we have no reason to ever fear what the next moment brings. He has been with us this far, what makes us think He is going to leave us now?
So why are we so afraid? Why do we have so little faith and trust?
