Wow, Culture Shock!- My Journey in Honduras

December 30, 2016
Today was so many things. I just can not put into words what today was like. I have no words. My heart broke. It is continuing to break. God is breaking my heart. Everywhere I look I see a beautiful mountain, Plant, or sky filled with color and then I look down. I see trash everywhere. I see children crying and children with out shoes. I see people with torn and tattered clothing, houses that are falling apart. Places that people live that are far from livable by any standard, yet they live there. Children who wander the streets with out parents in sight. Streets that are dirty and not drivable. Paths that were once nive with stairs are now cracked and delopodated. People who need help, but refuse it. I met a lady today who has 16 children. 16. She is 50 and has 16 children and 7 grandchildren and they all live in the same small sod house with a broken up tin roof. That's 23 people in a house made for probably 5, at the absolute max, yet she refuses help.
It's hard to go anywhere with out seeing a stray dog. They are everywhere. Many families have 3-5 dogs, even if they can not provide for them, they keep them for security. Any that are found roaming around are so skinny you can tell they have not eaten an adequate meal in who knows how long. Job has warned me to stay away, becuase they will bite. Not all of them, but better safe than sorry. I want to pick them up and snuggle them, but here, dogs are not pets.It is sad to see, but that is how their culture works. If it's not a dog you see running around, there's a pretty safe bet that you'll see a chicken or multiple. They run and barefoot, hungry, children chase them to play or to steal eggs.
God broke my heart today. He is continuing to do so. I think He is breaking my heart so that there are no barriers between the love He has placed in my heart and the people of Honduras, so that the love can flow freely to all I meet. I pray that His light is shining to everyone  meet.
I just can not wrap my mind around everything. These people have little to nothing, yet the kids smile, laugh, and make the most with what they have. Something that is so simple to us is so incredibly to them. There are some beautiful people here. It is so hard to accept the fact that part of the reason everything is happening is because of the government and how corrupt the police are. There is no justice. The drug lords run the place and money is everyones god. It is hard to drive by an see military men dressed and armed, ready for someone to make a scene. Same with security gaurds. This has all been a huge cultural shock and I am sure it will continue to be.
In case I have not already given you enough info, here is what my day looked like:
I recieved a full tour of the farm and met many of the workers and of course all the animals (How much trouble would I be in if I brought back a baby sheep?).  After a lunch of tortillas and beans, we went to Puran, another small village in Singuatepeque, and checked in on people who Job and Adria have helped start gardens Many are tire gardens, meaning the seeds and soil are planted in a tire. After visiting the gardens, meeting new people, and taking a hike, we headed to get some more coffee (which is SO amazing here!), at HOPE Coffee, where I was able to connect to wifi and catch up with life in the United States( fun fact: People are ofended in you refer to the U.S. as America, because technically they are Americans too). Next we made a quick stop at a store and then stopped by Job's parents house, where I met some of his family and sang hymns with his mom. Such a lovely family! Then we headed to dinner where we had fried banana slices in some weird sauce. It ended up tasting so much better than I thought it would. I also tried a number of freshly picked, wild fruits including: Apple-bananas, Mandarins, papaya, and pure sugar cane. Day one was jam packed and I am ready to celebrate New Year's Eve here!

Prayer Requests:
Wisdom to teach little ones next week.
Adjusting to the culture and farm lifestyle
Health- I have developed and icky cold and my allergies are not diggin everything I'm encountering.
Safety- I am in very good hands, but there are things that can not be controlled. (Don't worry, I am fine, but it is just a precaution!)

Love,
Rebekah

I Arrived and I'm Alive!- My Journey in Honduras

Thursday December 29th:
I left that morning for the Kansas City airport at around 9 a.m. I had a lot of mixed emotions as I sat there waiting for my plane. So excited for this journey and adventure, but so terrified of being the adult and making it there safely. It was hard to leave, because my grandma had just been admitted to the hospital the day before and it felt like I should stay, but I couldn't. There is a strange feeling of being filled with people, yet feeling totally alone and not knowing a single person. I think there was about a dozen times I wanted to burst out singing, "A Whole New World" from Ariel, but I refrained.
My first flight was delayed by an hour which threw things bit off schedule. I had no idea how traveling for 15 hours could be so exhausting, but I did get a few naps on the plane! ;) I made it to Orlando, where I stayed on the plane and then went to Ft. Lauderdale, where I had a little over and hour layover and then my departure to San Pedro Sula began. I stood in line as people rushed by and asked me questions in Spanish that I could barely comprehend. I listened and used what little I remembered from my two years of Spanish Freshman and Sophomore year, and if I was clueless I managed to say, "Lo Siento, un poco espanol. No intiendo" or something in that variation. within another hour I was on the plane and ready to go!

December 30, 2016:
I have arrived! My flight got in early this morning, I made it through immigration, and met Adria and Job! We made it back to the village at around 4 a.m. We prayed and then I went to my mini apartment next to there house, to "sleep", though not much sleeping happened. Remember when you were a little kid and you were afraid of the dark, because you didn't know what was out there? I had that same feeling last night as I laid in bed and tried to sleep. I eventually fell asleep only to be woken up at about 6:30 by a loud squaking the scared me awake. I'm still not exactly sure what that was. I also awoke freezing, which supervised me, because I was in Honduras and I was wearing sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt and I was wrapped in a quilt. After falling asleep and waking up multiple times I decided to just get up, get ready, and organize my things a little bit better. I usually listen to music when I get ready, but this morning I was serenaded by some lovely sheep. :) Today is my first official day in Honduras! Part of me is ready for the adventure and part of me is very afraid, but God is good and He is already teaching me many lessons. One being that I should have payed more attention in Spanish class.
On the Plane ride from Ft. lauderdale I met this sweet elder lady who was traveling back home to Honduras. She spoke no English and I spoke very little Spanish, but we communicated and understood each other. I sat preparing for take off and looked over to see her head bowed and hands folded. I assumed she praying in Spanish, because I heard Dios multiple times and I know that means God. There was something amazing about that, because I had just finished praying while she was praying. It was amazing, because there we both sat, totally different, different languages, and yet praying to the same God and He heard and understood us both at the same time! It is so crazy to see God work in mysterious ways and I can not wait to continue to see how He works and what He teaches me over the next month. There's a special beauty about knowing absolutely nothing and relying totally on God to carry you through.
Thank you to everyone for all your prayers! I will keep you posted as often as I can and will try to post pictures!

Love,
Rebekah

The Statue- My Journey to Honduras

I walk past this statue everyday on the way to class. It represents Jesus washing the feet of Peter. Jesus- the Prince of Peace, the one who came to die for all of mankind, fully human, yet fully God, washing the feet of a fisherman. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He humbled himself to become a lowly servant. He came not to be served, but to serve and put others before himself. He came to show the world what true love looks like. He came to defeat the depths of hell. He came not to do the will of His own, but to do the will of the one who sent Him.
Is that not what we as believers are on this earth to do as well? To be servants and helping hands? To do the will of God and put our selfish agenda aside? Not my will be done, but yours Father. What ever it be let it be done and let it be done for your glory and yours alone. Let us break away from our selfish acts, tear down our pride and be your servants. You had every opportunity to leave us and to walk with those deemed important, but instead you talked with the fisherman, the tax collectors, the ill, and lame. You loved all of those that the world just loved to hate. The ones that life was not the most fair to, you loved them and cared for them. Instead of looking down on them you picked them up and lowered your self to be their servant.
If the Holy of Holys can bend down to help the poor, then a mere college girl can do the same. A girl who may be under qualified, a bit timid, a little too sassy, more than a little adventurous, and way to oblivious to what God is doing in her life. This girl whos heart breaks at the tiniest of sadness, who loves kids with all her heart and has a passion to make them feel loved and special. A girl who has a desire to change the world, but yet has an echoing voice that tells her if all the impossibilities. A girl who only wants to live loved and love those she meets.
That girl is me. In 4 days I will depart America and land in Honduras where this crazy adventure will officially begin. Everything I had wanted to do, but never thought able will be happening. My heart leaps with joy at the thought of finally meeting my host family and getting to know them more and experiencing the Honduran culture. My heart is also anxious and timid, because up until about 3 weeks ago, there were little to no obstacles in this plan, until I received notice form one of the head teachers at Destino Del Reino, that I would not longer be able to help at that school. There was some miscommunication and it was just not going to work out, unfortunately. I sat in my dorm confused and heart broken. "Why is this happening? Am I not suppose to go? What am I going to do now?" My faith grew weak, but also grew very strong. God is good. Something we should all remember. With in the the next two days I talked with the couple I'd be staying with and I was in contact with a different school. I turned out to be an answer to their prayers, because one of their teachers will be in America until the 2nd week in January and they were looking for someone to cover for him. So, instead of assisting in teaching I will be teaching a 4th grade class the first week or so while I am in Honduras and then helping with the 1st and 2nd graders once the teacher returns. The wonderful institution I will be teaching at is called La Providencia. La Providencia is an absolutely outstanding organization. They work with widows, orphans, and any who are oppressed- offering them education, medical treatment, and food. Their mission is truly to be the hands and feet of Christ. Check out their website: https://providenceworld.com/la-providencia/who-we-serve/
I am very much looking forward to working with this organization and to love on these kids and give them every bit of hope I can.
Wow. I can not believe how quickly this trip has come! It seems like it was only a couple of weeks ago that I blindly ordered a ticket to Honduras with little to no idea what I was doing, but I sure am glad I have listened to God and I can't wait to see the rest of His plan for this trip unfold. I am so thankful to Job and Adria for opening up their home to me and for all their help, especially over the past two weeks with my endless questions. They are two great people who are doing great work in Honduras and I am excited to get to know them more.
T-4 days y'all. God guide me and keep my path straight and lit on this narrow road.


For updates while in Honduras:

• Continue to check here
• Add me on Facebook: Bekah Henderson
• Add me on Instagram: raielle16 or Rebekah Henderson
• Add me on Snapchat: bek161
• Send me an email and I'll do my best to respond: rrhenderson16

A Crack in the Path- The Start of My Journey to Honduras

"As I walk this great unknown, questions come and questions go. Was there purpose for this pain? Did I cry these tears in vain? I don't want to live in fear. I want to trust that you are near. Trust your grace can be seen in both triumph and tragedy. I have this hope in the depths of my soul. In the flood or the fire you're with me, you won't let go." (I Have This Hope- Tenth Avenue North).
2 months.
55 days.
1,320 hours.
What. Am. I. Doing?
Better question: What is God doing? Almost two months ago I said yes to God's crazy plan. This plan that I still do not 100% understand and probably won't until it is complete. This plan that was almost perfect in my mind until a little crack was thrown in the path.
I sat on the chair next to my bed as I stared at my foot with tears steaming down my face. I leave in less than 2 months and there I sat with a potential broken foot. "This can not be happening now... What am I going do?! What is going to happen?! Will I still be able to go to Honduras?!" Questions like these and terror flooded my mind as I tried to pull myself together. I refused to go to the ER and refused to believe that there was anything wrong with my foot and that I was just over reacting. I tried walking on it multiple times through out that day with no success and after much debate, I broke down and went to a clinic where I was told my foot was not broken, but definitely cracked. The doctor called me the next afternoon to tell me that I had cracked 3 different bones in my foot and all of those questions and all the fear came swarming back. I was instructed to remain on crutches for the rest of the week and I am currently trapped in a clunky boot for a minimum of 3 weeks.
After I was done feeling sorry for myself and done freaking out over the fact that I could possibly lose the opportunity to go to Honduras, I turned on my Spotify and flipped open my Bible. The song, "I have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North happened to be playing and the verse that I happened to turn to was Mark 4:40, which says, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?... Who is this that even the wind and the sea obey Him?" Why was I so afraid?! Yes, my foot is out of commission  and yes, it puts my trip at risk, but why exactly was I so afraid? The same God who controls the wind and waves guides my path. He knows exactly what is going to happen. He knows I am a clutz and knew that this would happen, yet I am so surprised. "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Who am I to question the plans of the one who created them? Who am I to doubt what God will do through this? Have I no faith? I read this story in Mark and look down at the disciples and think, "Pffft, really guys? This is Jesus- He can do anything! Just walk on the stinkin water." Yet, here I am doing the exact same thing. I doubt that good can really come from something that seems awful, but God makes beautiful things everyday. The disciples were terrified to trust Jesus during the storm and I'm terrified to trust Him with my trip to Honduras. In the middle of all this chaos, God is still good.
"Why are you so afraid?" Those words continue to linger in my mind. What can I do that God can't? The answer is nothing. No matter how high I build myself up or how strong I portray myself to be, the reality is that one little storm can leave me lost at sea, but even when I'm sinking I have no reason to be afraid, because God assures me that I do not have to cower in fear. He is with me through everything. He has never left me and He never will. Because of who God is and who He's shown me He is, I have this hope that no matter what happens within the next 3 months, that I do not have to be afraid and that I am free to find joy and rest in His grace.
In 55 days I will board a plane and leave this country on a mission bigger than I can even begin to imagine. As I think back to when I pressed the 'place order' button to buy the last ticket left to Honduras, a million scenarios and worries ran through my mind. "This is it. There's no going back now, you're all in. Oh my goodness this is really happening! What have I just done?! I have so much to do and so little time to do it all! How is everything going to work out?! Is it too late to say no? How am I suppose to be fully funded by the end of December?! I am suppose to plan a trip while not only being a full time student and working, but also being 5 hours away from my mom who I need to help me."
I have had quite a few of those moments when my mind starts to wander a little too much and it is absolutely terrifying. As I walk this great unknown these next couple months- there are so many questions that run through my mind. In a little under 2 months I will be responsible for checking myself into the airport, boarding the right flight, finding the couple I will be staying with, and live in a completely different culture for a month. There will be no one on the way to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay or to tell me where to go next or to double check my bags or anything. I will be all alone. Once my mom drops me off at the airport and we say our goodbyes, I am on my own until I arrive in Honduras and even in a sense while I am there. Thinking back to that night in September, when this journey became so real, I look at myself the way I looked at the disciples in Mark. So blind to what God is doing and too stubborn to just trust His plan. I think we all come to a point when we are terrified and don't know how to handle all the emotions it brings. We forget how big and mysterious God is and we try to figure everything out on our own, which leaves us in a frazzled mess to the point where saying we're terrified is an understatement. With out God we have every reason to be afraid, but with Him, we have no reason to ever fear what the next moment brings. He has been with us this far, what makes us think He is going to leave us now?
So why are we so afraid? Why do we have so little faith and trust?

I Said No. God Said Yes.

I arrived home after a long nine day trip to Mississippi where my group and I taught vacation Bible school and  just loved on all the sweet kids. My last Mission Trip with my youth group was finally over and the realization that I may never see my girls again set in. The precious girls I had taught for four years and my new girls who were a little too sassy, but had a special place in my heart. The thought had crossed my mind that I could go back on my own or that I could do something more, but I didn't pay too much attention to the thoughts in my head. The thoughts that lead me to believe that I could make a difference in this world. The thoughts that told me I could go to some foreign country and be a servant. The thoughts that said I was capable of anything I set my mind to as long as my trust and strength came from God. But of course those were just thoughts that were quickly replaced with other "opinions", like, "You can't possibly think you are old enough or important enough to do something like this do you? Do you really believe that you can make a difference? You are one person. I can't even believe you think this is a possibility." I could go on an on, but that list is not what is important. What is important is that those thoughts in my head, weren't my thoughts at all. They were God leading me to something much bigger than I could comprehend. Those thoughts that I believed were just thoughts and my own curiosity, were the beginning of a wild ride. A ride so crazy you'd be insane to agree to tag along. So I panicked. I said no. "No way am I going to do any sort of missions work outside of my comfort zone. Sure that's a nice idea, but not for me, I'm too (insert previous negative statements here)." I slammed that door shut and that was it, or so I thought. One week later that door creeped back open when a missionary from Honduras came and talked at my church. "How amazing would it be to do something like that. To travel to an unknown place and teach kids about Jesus." I thought as I listened to them talk about their story. I introduced myself at the end and told them what they were doing was truly wonderful, and slammed the door shut once again. Little did I know that God had something pretty great up his sleeve. Shortly after that Sunday I received a message from one of the missionaries telling me about their program and if I had any interest in coming to Honduras. "No way. This can not be happening right now. They want ME to come to Honduras?!" It was a nice idea, but even if I wanted to, there was no way I could afford to travel to Honduras, get shots, pills, buy a plane ticket, pay for food/housing, and pay for a passport. That's just ridiculous, right? So once again I took the door and reluctantly closed it. Within in a week God reopened that door AGAIN. After talking with the missionary it was revealed that I would only have to pay for my plane ticket, shots, and passport. My housing would be covered as well as my food. I'd be crazy to turn that offer down right? Well, I did. I told God no. A plane ticket was over $1,500 plus baggage, plus my passport and shots. I was looking at over $2,000 still. I turned this incredible offer down, but God was not stopping there. Within another couple of days, I got a message from the missionary I had been in contact with telling me to check into this airline that they use when they go to and from Honduras. I checked it out and the tickets were significantly cheaper. I was finally on board and said yes to God and what He had planned. It wasn't all sunshine and roses from there. I agreed to go to Honduras in the summer of 2017 in July to give myself enough time to prepare and earn the funds needed to get a ticket. I had over a year to get ready for this month long journey, but God said, "Think again. You're going now." Every single ticket for June, July, and August were sold and the school I would be teaching at would no longer be in session. "Isn't this what you wanted me to do Lord?! I listened! You told me to go and now you're telling me I can't?!" It didn't make sense to me until one of the head teachers at the school I'd be teaching at asked if I could come in January. I immediately shot it down, but then reconsidered the option. "We do have Interim, so I wouldn't be missing school, but it's just too soon. I'm not ready yet. There probably aren't any tickets left anyway." I checked the website and there was the exact dates I needed to leave and for a cheaper price. "Alright God what are ya doing? How is this even possible?" Not only was the ticket cheaper, but the school would be in session as well! I told God no, but He said yes and He said trust me. I have 4 months to prepare for this trip as opposed to over a year. I have no idea what I am going to experience or how everything is going to fall into place, but I am trusting in God's plan. On December 29th of 2016 I will leave the United Stated for the first time and travel to Siguatapeque, Honduras where I will stay until January 24th of 2017. I will be assisting in teaching English as well as the beautiful stories in the Bible to kids Monday through Friday and teaching AWANA and other activities on the weekends. My heart is so excited and so overwhelmed, but so ready to love and share the love of Jesus. Jesus said, "GO therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you and behold I am with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20 I had to memorize this verse to go to Mississippi. I never really understood it. Correction- I never wanted to understand it. Jesus said, "Go." and that's exactly what I am doing. There's are part of me that doesn't want to believe this is a reality, because then there is no cushion, meaning I'd allow myself to become terrified and my trust will fail. "What if my passport doesn't come?, What if I totally mess up my kids?, What if my plane crashes or I forget to take my Malaria pill?, What if I'm reading this whole situation wrong and I'm not actually suppose to go to Honduras?, What if everyone is right and I'm not old enough or prepared enough?, What if my mind draws a blank and I can't remember a singe part to the gospel?" There are so many things that could go wrong, BUT there are so many things that could go right. We are promised in Acts that we, "will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you.." When we do God's will and become His witnesses- there is nothing that can stop us, because nothing is stronger than the power of God and nothing is more beautiful than the feet that God has given us. "And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news?'" -Romans 10:15 My feet are rough, calloused, and ugly in the eyes of the world, but to God they are so much more. I never realized that until God started changing my heart. "Do not be conformed by the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern the will of God, what is good and acceptable, and perfect. " Romans 12:2 A year or so ago I would have given up on this calling. I would have conformed to what those around me were telling me rather than what God was telling me. My heart wouldn't fight for what was right. I merely sat and listened as I watched the world around me, but God has been making me new each and every day. Every day I'm a little closer to the person God is crafting me to be and sometimes I stumble. I fall behind. I fail. But God picks me up, dusts me off and pushes me along. He is slowly molding my heart and is preparing it for what I will experience this winter. My heart is a jumbled mess ready to love on the people of Honduras. In 94 days I will drive three hours to an airport where I will be responsible for checking myself in and boarding the correct flight. In 94 days I will board 3 different planes until I arrive in San Pedro, Honduras and meet my host family, who will drive me the two hours to Siguatapeque. In 94 days I will be sent on a mission by God to be his Hands and Feet. Not only will I be His hands and feet, but I will be his ears that listen to the stories of the hurting and the laughter of children. I will be His eyes that will see a world of heartache. In 94 days God will send me on the experience of a life time. Father hold my heart and guide my steps on this narrow road.

What is Your Heart Beating For?

Put your hand on your heart. Do you feel that? That *thump, thump, thump*. Do you feel the rhythm that is beating? *thump. thump, thump* Can you hear what it's saying? *thump, thump, thump* You're are more than just a body. You are so much more than just some human thrown on this earth to wander. That thump you feel- that's the sound of something unimaginable. Your heart is a beautiful vessel waiting to be filled. Filled with the love of God and the fire of the Holy Spirit. Has your heart ever stopped beating? Mine has. Not literally, but spiritually. My heart has been weak and wounded. It's been torn out, ripped to shreds, and left with no hope. My heart wasn't beating for the one who made it. It refused to open it's doors and let grace win. When my heart lives it has been so overwhelmed with joy and happiness that there is not way to contain it's excitement. My heart has been places. It's seen the lost and hopeless eyes of people with nothing. It's seen the the pleas of a parent trying to provide for a family. It's seen and child scarred from head to toe in marks from abuse. My heart has seen the fears of lost souls and the emptiness of a pleasure seeking world. My heart has been places. This vessel that was once so pure and shameless, has been dirtied and scarred, but it still beats for one name only- Jesus. There are times my heart flies and all I can do is praise Jesus and bless His holy name, but there are those times where my heart dies and I'm left with anger, bitterness, and hopelessness. When the last thing I want to do is lay down my stubborn pride and pray to the one that I blame. Yet the only words I can mumble out are, "Father why?! Help me please! Save me!" Even when I have nothing my heart can say, "I have all I need, because I have Jesus." My heart has a beat and a rhythm just like you and every other person on this earth, but what does it beat for?  Can you feel your heart beat? Can you hear what it's telling you? You see the difference between my heart beat and yours is everything. God created mine to beat with a certain beat and a certain passion just like he designed yours. For me, it is clear that this earth is not my home and that every person is so incredibly valuable. We are all God's masterpieces- we are all priceless. My heart beats to be the servant God has created me to be. Mark 10:45 states, "For even the son of man came not to be served, but to serve and give His life ransom for many." Jesus was here to serve. He has made it clear to me that I am His servant and not just His, but a servant to each soul I meet. God's been working on my heart a lot lately, in fact He has some pretty amazing things planned that I am starting to see glimpses of. Not only am I God's servant, but he has created me and even some of you to be His Disciple. "You are the light of the world. a city on a hill can not be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify God who is in heaven."  Matthew 5:14-16 Where ever I go what ever I do, I want people to look at me and not see me, but see Jesus. I'm not here to do my will, but His will.

He has given me a heart that beats for missions work and a passion and love for those who I encounter. My journey is just beginning. Even when something seems impossible, God shows up and gives me a little help and then wonderful things start to happen when I follow His calling.

"For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps." 1 Peter 2:21

I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know that God is always in control. Even when my dreams seem impossible, He shows me that they aren't and that there is a reason for each of my dreams and passions. He created me for a purpose. He created you for a purpose. He created that little boy down the street from you that doesn't know when he'll eat again for a purpose. That little girl with scars, has a purpose too. You are so incredibly loved and so deserving of love. Even when the world is against you- God is for you and He loves more than any love song or movie could portray. You are special. You are wanted. You have a purpose. You are a child of God. He is molding you and your heart. What is you heart beating for? Fame? Success? Money? Are you more concerned with how many followers and 'likes' you have than forever? Is that outside more important than the inside? All of these will fade, but God will never leave and His plan is never wrong. Where's your focus at? Is it on God? What is God telling you? What is your heart beating for? *thump, thump, thump* You have a heart beat, but is it in the right spot? 

Oh How Beautiful the Feet- Missions Trip 2016

3:30 A.M. and I still had yet to pack more than socks. What was so different about this year than the past three trips? I hadn't seen my girls in TWO YEARS. You would have thought I couldn't wait to leave. Last year I would have given anything to go to Mississippi instead of Lead THE Cause and now that we were going, a part of me didn't want to leave. As I threw what I needed into a suitcase so many thoughts filled my mind. I was scared. No. I was terrified. "What if my girls didn't remember me? What if something awful happens while we are down there? What if I don't have the same girls I have had? What happens when no kids show up? What if the center changes their mind and we can't stay there? What if this whole evangelism training we are doing blows up in our faces? What if I totally biff my skit?" No electronics for nine days and no way to escape those around me. I sure had a lot on my mind for 4 O'Clock in the morning. I don't know why it was so hard for me to just trust God and His plan. I had the same issue last year and everything went splendidly. I finally settled down for bed at around 4:30. I got about an hour and a half of sleep before sluggishly rolling out of bed to get ready and finish packing. We arrived at the church and everyone helped load the trailers. We prayed in a circle for the week, for the kids, for those of us that were traveling, for the weather, for anything and everything. We prayed. Finally we packed into 3 different vans and began the drive to Russellville, Arkansas where we would spend the night at a church.

#VanFam

We stopped for a picnic someplace near Kansas City.

We had a pretty good view as we sat, ate, and stretched our legs for a bit. We continued on our way when one of the tires on one of our trailers popped..

 "Ugh I just want to be out of this van." Were my thoughts. I was at the back of one of the vans and the air conditioning was not working too good. Our awesome sponsors quickly got that fixed and we were on our way again. After a couple more hours of driving we stopped for supper at Braum's (Don't ask me where.. I don't know.) 

This is one of my best friends and I. Let's just say we were a little hungry. ;) Once again we loaded onto the vans and drove for another 3 hours, until FINALLY we made it to the church we would stay at. We unloaded everything and made our selves at home for the night. We were handed a book that contained our small group lessons, personal devos, and group devos. I don't know why, but when I got mine I didn't even want to look at it. We sat in a circle in the gym of the complex and began group devos. "Okay.. yeah,, everything might be fine." That week our youth group would be focusing and learning about Daniel. "Yeah, yeah I know that story. Guy loves God so much, won't worship the idol, gets thrown into a lions den, but is not harmed by them." While this is true the book and story of Daniel is so much more. Something I never took the time to realize until that week. We all headed to bed, because the next day would be packed. 

As we all got ready, we ate breakfast and did our personal devos, which consisted of two columns. Column 1: The lie. and Column 2: The truth. Each lie had the truth written next to it and bible verses to support it and to show us what God says about us. After our quiet time was done, we cleaned the church, packed the trailers, and started the 5 hour drive to Greenville, Mississippi, where we would make a stop at Wal-Mart and then drive another hour to Cary, our home. After driving for a few hours we arrived at the Mississippi boarder. 

When we arrived at Cary it was just like being home. As soon as I walked through the doors at Cary Christian Center I was home. It was like almost all my fears and doubts had been whipped away. This was my home. As the majority of the group unloaded all the coolers, groceries, and luggage, I headed to the girl's dorm. I was graduated which meant I got to arrange the room AND choose my bunk first. A couple of my friends and I pushed and pulled bunks until it was the perfect homey feel. After we all claimed our spots and made our beds we quickly put stuff away in the kitchen and in the living room so we could go play basketball with some of the kids that hang around the center. 

All of us get schooled in basketball by the Mississippi kids every year, but it's still a blast hanging out with them and getting to know them. Sunday aka Day 2 in Cary we went to church in Anguilla at Christian Lite church. This was a whole new experience for us all. All of us except a few of the leaders had never been to a church service down in Mississippi. I think we all cleaned up pretty well. 

If you think you think you've been to a one of a kind church service, you haven't been to a Mississippi Church service. The whole service was about an hour and 45 minutes. ALL of the music was done acapella, there were two offerings, and oh wow could that pastor preach!! Did I mention they could sing and sing good? It was a wonderful cultural experience and I'd go again in a heartbeat. After church we helped finish lunch and then started to prepare for the long week a head of us. Those of us that were in a skit or had a big group lesson, started out by reviewing how it would go and adding in the props, and the music. 

Once finished with big group activities, we looked over the lesson for day one and gathered the materials needed for that day and start prepping for Tuesday. Tuesdays project included us tying together pieces of yarn until we had 38 feet and then rolling it onto a spool. We then helped arrange the adorable craft the kids would make. 

After we finished crafts it was supper time. Once clean up was finished we had some time to our selves until group devos. The outside of the center just has a strange peace to it.

There's nothing super special about it except for the memories that have been made and the memories that will continue to be made. A couple years ago on our last morning, God sent a gorgeous sunrise with a hint of fog. this picture doesn't do the view justice, but is a small insight into why I love this place so much. 

I remember that morning so clearly. I said 'goodbye' and 'see ya next year', just like I had the past two years, not knowing that it would be two years before I'd hug my sweet girls again. That morning. One I will probably never forget. 

Monday came and we dawdled around as we ate breakfast, got ready, and did our quiet time.Today was our first day at VBS and our first day doing evangelism training. "Father I sure hope you know what you're doing." Why was I so terrified? We arrived at Christian Lite and many greeted their kids. I wandered around for awhile. Not seeing any of the 3 girls I'd had my previous 3 years. "What if they don't come? What if we don't recognize each other? It had been two years. Oh Lord bring my girls please." I asked and he answered. Standing on the edge of the crowd I saw a much older and much calmer little girl. I saw my precious Brianna. 

Brianna and I go way back. She was my very first Mississippi girl. She was only 4 when I met her, the last time I saw her she was 7, and I stood looking at her with tears in my eyes,because in front of me stood a beautiful 9 year old. She saw me, gasped, and shouted,"BEKAH" as she ran into my arms. I didn't want to let go, because in that moment everything was perfect. She had been at every VBS and at every VBS she sat on my lap, even when she was covered in syrup. She was the first girl that God used me to lead her to Christ. My first year she was for sure that Jesus, baked her cookies and did not die for her. (Don't worry she figured it out ;)) I was with her when she had nothing, because her house and everything in it had burned down not long before we came and I was there as she received her very first Bible. Brianna and I, we had a bond. So you could imagine how I felt when I did NOT have her in my small group. Things got mixed up and God decided I needed some super sassy seventh graders and a sweet third grader. It was hard for me to not have Brianna in my small group, but she made sure she found me everyday and gave me a giant hug and an, "I love you!" 

My other two girls were in two other small groups as well and I had this crazy bunch! 

From left to right: Shantanna, Me, Kayla, and Marshayla (Shay)

And this cutie is Ahmerica. From the start of Monday morning I knew I was going to have my hands full! The age difference between Ahmerica and the other three girls set up quite the challenge. Did I mention that I had seventh graders? Did I mention they were sassy? They wanted to spend the time talking about boys and drama. You don't know sass until you visit the south. "Guys give me ten minutes and then we can talk about whatever." Usually effective. With them- not so much. "Okay if we get through the lesson I'll give you a piece of gum." <<< Very effective. Even though they drove me crazy, I had so much love for each of them, because I could look into their eye and see there was so much more. So much they didn't show. I could see how scared they were and how lost and how worried they were. Each smile they sent my way melted my heart a little more every time. The last couple days we were able to really get deep. We talked and opened up like we had known each other for years. One of my girls thought she might be pregnant. She's 12. That's nothing unusual down there. Let that sink in. Another had scars from being beat and scars from cigarettes being put on on her skin. "I'm a bad girl." That's what she told me. "No you're not. Don't ever think that you deserve this." I told her as I hugged her. I told them I loved them every day before they left, because I genuinely did and do love them. The youngest of the seventh grade girls responded one day, "You're the only one who has said that to me and meant it." My third grader would just melt into my arms every time I held her. She snuggled tight and never wanted to let go and I knew she probably didn't get that love at home. I'm sure they learned a lot that week, but I know for a fact that I learned more than I can even put into words. They sure changed my heart. 

Here's what a typical day at VBS looked like. We would arrive at Christian Lite, Meet the kids and hand out name tags. We then headed inside for the opening lesson and songs. Here's a glimpse at one of the song we did. A new song for all of us, but one we all fell in love with. Our theme song, Walk this way--

Songs were one of my favorite times of the day. You could see the pure joy on each of their faces every time  it was time to sing. Their faces just lit up!

After opening and songs, boy stayed for small group and girls headed outside for rec. My girls were not a fan of rec. They preferred to play, "Down by the Banks" or "Little Sally Walker". We made sure they had a great time no matter what the game that day was. Once rec was over we headed to the back of the church where we had snacks. 

After snack we headed back inside for craft time, which they loved!

Once we had finished crafts it was time for small group time, which got a little crazy at times. And sometimes they were eager and ready to do the lesson.

Small group was my chance to really bond with my girls and get to know who they really are. There were days it was a challenge and I just wanted to quit, but I had to remind myself of a few things that I will explain later on. After Small group it was time for closing and more songs! We prayed and then the kids were dismissed. We cleaned up after that mornings activities and then ate lunch. When we had finished lunch we had between 30 and 45 minutes before the afternoon session. Those few minutes were our chance to do our devos, rest in God's presence, and prepare for the afternoon. At 1 O' Clock kids ages 13 and up were welcomed back to the church for out evangelism training that our youth pastor, Sam lead. 

I don't know why, but I was not excited for this training at all. My main two reasons were, 1.) I had already done this training 2 or 3 times. and 2.) We weren't going to the afternoon churches. Which meant I would not get to see Tarrianna or Shirah. Two of the sweetest girls I ever had. Tarrianna was a little sassy. The first year I had hear she did not want anything to do with me or anyone else. So we sat and I rocked her as she balled and screamed, but for some reason she snuck her way into my heart and the next year we came back I was the only one she would sit with. 

This is ms. Tarrianna with her completed craft 2 years ago

Sweet Shiriah on our last day 2 years ago.

These girls were why I didn't want to do the training, but God had better plans in mind. The first day of training there were maybe 10 kids, but by the end of the week there were so many that had come and gone. There were probably 60 different Mississippi kids there through out the week, each equipped with a little or a lot of information to share the gospel and live for Jesus. About half way through the week it hit me that this was exactly what Cary and Anguilla needed. They needed teens and adults who would take a stand for their faith and preach the good news. My prayer is that they continue to live for Jesus and His word long after we left. 

After training we cleaned up and piled back into the vans to travel "home", sometimes making a stop at FREDS, their "Walmart". Upon arriving home, we unloaded and helped finish supper. If there was not much to do we spent times in the dorms, in the hang out area, or outside. Sometimes we felt a little bad about how much food we had consumed, (no one goes hungry on MT. You eat a ton!), we would do mini work outs in th hang out space. 

We were planking masters by the end of the week.

After dinner and clean up we had some more free time to kind of do whatever. Some of the popular "to do's" were playing knock out, chilling in the dorms, or hopping in the shower before everyone else came in and filled them. We typically had group devos at 9:30. We'd start by singing a few songs and then we'd take a break to get snacks and do e-mails. E-mail time was the most entertaining time until you were the one who got an e-mail. You don't just get your e-mail, you have to earn it. For instance, I had to stick my head in a cooler filled with ice water in order to receive my e-mail. After e-mails it was time to settle down and dig into God's word. Group devos ended up being one of my favorite aspects of the trip. I learned so much, God convicted me of many things, and He just really worked on my heart. He taught me a little something each day until the last day, when BAM. It all hit me. 

The whole week it felt as thought Satan was trying so hard to beat us down and get us to turn negatively towards God and I believe he was doing so long before we left. Tuesday night, the day before I would teach the big group lesson and closing I had a smack in the face. As I read two lines in my script, it hit me that this is what I need to start focusing on. "It's not about me. It's about what God is doing through me. God's plan is way bigger and way better than ours." Both pretty "duh" statements, but how often do we believe these words? No matter where I go, what I do, or what happens to me, it has absolutely nothing to do with me, it has all to do with what God is doing through me. Though the road is tough, the view is beautiful. God can use us in great ways if we let Him. His plan for our lives is SO incredible. No matter what I have planned, the dreams I have, or how I picture my life, it's all pointless if it's not what God has intended. This lesson I was to teach these kids was having more of an impact on me than I think it did on them. Free will can be a great thing, but it can be scary. To think of working so hard at a passion your entire life, just to have it taken from you, can be devastating. These lyrics are so very true, "You give and take away, BUT Blessed be the name of the LORD." He gave us this life and all that it entails, therefore he has every right to take any part of it away at anytime. His way is THE way. 

Wednesday came and it was time for me to let God speak through me. 

I stumbled on my words a few times, the activity didn't go the way it was suppose to, and the kids were rowdy. It was a rough opening, but another reminder that it's not about me, but what God is doing through me. Who cares if I looked like a fool at some points, God used it in a way He had planned. 

That night, during group devos I had another punch in the gut, which I had some sort of eye opening moment during every group devo, but this one, this one left me pretty silent the rest of the night. As mentioned earlier we spent the week studying Daniel. That night in particular we discussed idols. "Oh you mean big golden statue or structures you bow down and worship? Yeah that's so like 2,000 years ago. I don't have any idols." Wrong. Cell phone. Friends. Appearance. Reputation. "Stuff". The list goes on and on. Just because we aren't bowing down to a king or golden statue does not mean we aren't worshiping an idol. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines an idol as- "A greatly loved or admired person. a picture or object that is worshiped as a god." As a Christian that definition goes a little deeper. In the word of John Piper, "Idolatry starts in the heart, craving, wanting, enjoying, being satisfied by anything that you treasure more than God." By this definition ANYTHING can be an idol. That hit my heart pretty hard. Their are many times where I skip my devos because sleep was more appealing or I scroll through my Facebook rather than taking a few minutes to quiet myself before God. My selfish desires become an idol. How often do I put God before anything? In all reality not very. "Because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the creator, who is blessed forever!" -Romans 1:25 Ouch. Let that verse sink in as you read these words from Jimmy Nedham's song, Clear the Stage. "Anything I put before my God is an idol. Anything I want with all my heart is an idol. Anything I can't stop thinking about is an idol. Anything I give all my love and time to, is an idol." We have a wonderful creator to praise. He sent His only son to die on a cross to show His love for us and to save us from the death we all deserve, yet sometimes we don't even acknowledge His existence. What idols are keeping you from experiencing God's joy? I know my list, and my heart will strive to chase the one true God. 

Cross at the top of a mountain at camp IdRaHaJe in Colorado.

The week continued and there were so many wonderful memories made, it made it hard for me to say goodbye to my girls on Friday. 

Friday Morning I said goodbye to a place I had called home for one week for 4 summers. This is such a great place with so many wonderful memories of  laughter and tears. 

Flossi is probably the sassiest person I have ever met, but oh do I love her!

Goodbyes are hard

 

They loved playing with my, "soft white gurl hair" 

They were pretty good at it! 

Saying goodbye to the center and then my girls was especially hard this year, because I don't know the next time I'll see them. If you would have told me at the beginning of the week that I would have had so much love for these girls, I would have stared at you and laughed. If you told me that week would go the way it went, I would have called you crazy. God did so many awesome things that week. It was for sure a trip I will never forget. 

We loaded the trailers and vans and started our drive to Russellville where we would once again stay the night at our second home and I was SO PUMPED, because this year my friend and I were determined to pull an all nighter. The week is exhausting and we get very little sleep, but we always attempt to pull an all nighter but are always a couple hours away from making it. 

We had a little help at around 2 a.m. plus all the pop we drank, but we made it!!

We loaded the trailer for the last time and were headed home (to our actual homes). I slept most of the way until we stopped somewhere in Missouri for lunch. I remember hopping out of the van and not feeling super well. I shrugged it off and assumed it was because I hadn't slept much. I ordered and sat down and took sips of water. When my food arrived I still feel well so I took a couple bites and left the rest. I stood up and felt super light headed and don't remember much after that. The next thing I knew I was laying on the ground in a Dairy Queen and I couldn't breathe or do much of anything and then the put me in an ambulance. I sat in the E.R. confused and super embarrassed. I guess I had fainted and then didn't recover from it very well. I don't remember too much from Dairy Queen, but the E.R. was an experience. I am so super thankful for my awesome leaders Sam and Becca and of course all the other leaders, but I am especially thankful for these two. They have made an incredible impact in my life and have kept me running the good race. I couldn't imagine not having these two in my life. They have stuck by my side through everything even when I was stubborn.

 It was almost a necessity to take a hospital selfie ;)

It was hard for me to sit in the E.R. knowing that everyone was on their way home and I was stuck there hooked up to machines. My last MT and I wouldn't get to arrive home with all my friends or have one last van ride, but all was fine. After I was released we headed for home. I slept part of the way and the rest of the way we had some good talks. Sam, Becca, and Pat May are some pretty awesome leaders and I am blessed to have them in my life.

One of the biggest Jesus hits came our last night at the center. We sat and sang as it hit me that, that was probably the last night I would stay at Cary Christian Center and the next morning would probably be the last time I saw my sweet girls. I was fine until we came to the song, What do I know of Holy? by Addison Road. I've had a love hate relationship with this song since my 8th grade year when I heard it for the first time on my first Missions Trip.  "I've made you promises a thousand times. I've tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time, I think I made you too small. I never feared you at all. If you touched my face would I know you? Looked into my eyes could I behold you? What do I know of you who spoked me into motion?....I guess I thought that I had figured you out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how you were mighty to save, but those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be. The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees." "What do I know? What so I know of this great and magnificent God? Who am I to preach His word yet barely know the truth myself? " My thoughts when I heard this song my first year. My thoughts now, "What do I know of you Lord? You who gave me life and purpose. You who has a grand plan? I will never fully understand You and Your mysteries, but I really don't have to." Tears streamed my face, oh what a beautiful life, oh how terrified I am to leave what I know. See the difference between my first year and this year is, I have felt God in so many different ways since that first year. I have had those moments where His presence is overwhelming and all I can do is fall to my knees in a weeping mess. When we allow God in, the smallest of His presences is enough to shake anyone to the ground, but that same power can shoot you to a new high and burn a new fire in your soul. That night I sat there I understood the power of God and was terrified. Not terrified of God, but terrified of where His will would lead me. There I sat, a graduated senior getting ready to leave for a college 5 hours away where I knew very few people, while all my friends attended schools in the same town or just a short drive from there. I sat and realized that God was sending me on an adventure bigger than I had ever imagined and I was in denial that He ever would. This part of my life, missions trip, wasn't ending. It was just changing. I don't know where God will lead me, but after one last week in Mississippi my heart had a new beat. "Here I am Lord. Send me. Let me be your hands and feet." I don't know where God will lead me, but I know what He's calling me to do. Whether I go to Africa, Haiti, India, Jaimaica, or wherever I know He's leading me and guiding me. It's not about me it's about what God is doing through me. 

"And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news.'" -Romans 10:15

More of You, Less of Me ~Esprit 2016

"My heart is shattered, yet I can convince myself and those around me that everything is fine. Life has never been better. The days come and go and I find myself a little farther from You each day. When did spending time with You become a chore or a box to check off my list? Father here I am. Use me, lead me, mold me, send me, break me. Whatever needs to be done to change this heart of mine, do it before I fall into the lies of this world. Heal what has been broken.", was my prayer as I left my house at 12:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday July, 5th. I had no idea what this trip would entail. Actually that was a lie. This would be my fourth and final year in Esprit de Corps. I knew what it was like, I knew the people we would encounter, the concerts we would perform, I knew how this trip worked inside and out. A part of me did not want to leave for tour, because that meant that one of the most wonderful part of my life would be coming to an end. Another part felt like this year would not be like the past three years. My not very trusting self believed that God had done all He could do in my life through Esprit. You would think that after having these thoughts before and God showing me otherwise, that I would learn to just let God do His work. After a performance at my home church and a night spent in a hotel, we were headed to McCook, Nebraska, where we performed at a lovely church filled with sweet people. After the concert I greeted those who took the time to attend the concert. I listened to stories and comments like, "Wonderful job, Grace. Oh Thank you for your message, Grace. Grace truly does win." I remember thinking, "Uhm, they know my names not actually Grace right? That's just the character I played." I really did not think too much of their comments, just politely thanked them, shook their hand, gave them a hug, and moved onto the next person. You see I was part of a skit called Guilt or Grace?, written by the amazing Carey Helmink. I played Grace. I really struggled with tapping into that part of me again. Understanding Grace is one thing, but to have to play a character based on God's grace and portray it through a few lines seemed almost impossible. Sure I knew the lines and the skit, I acted as well as I possibly could, but I'm not sure it really meant anything to me until the next night. On Thursday we headed out to Bailey, Colorado where we would perform at my favorite venue, a summer camp called camp IdRaHaJe, meaning- I'd Rather Have Jesus. This was our third year performing at this camp and it was always such a joy! This year, those who did not have a job to help set up, headed up the side of a mountain to spend sometime in reflection and prayer. As we walked to the spot we would settle, I remembered my prayer for my heart. As we sat on rocks and over looked a breath taking sight of mountains, clouds, and trees, the reflection portion of our time began. One by one individuals spoke words like, "Majestic, holy, enormous, incredible creation, we are small, oh how he loves, who are we?, how big God really is, Blessed, masterpiece." The words continued and the reality of how incredibly enormous and awesome God is began to set in. We began to pray words of praise and words of need. At the end we sang Cast My Cares by Finding Favour- one of the songs we performed in our concert. Read these words slowly and with your heart, "When fear feels bigger than my faith, and struggles steal my breath away. When my backs pressed up against the wall with the weight of my worries stacked up tall, you're strong enough to hold it all. I will cast my cares on you. You're the anchor of my soul, the only one who's in control. I will cast my cares on you. I'll trade the troubles in this world for your peace inside my soul. This war's not what I would have chosen, but you see the future no one knows yet. You're still good when I can't see the working of your hands. You're holding it all." As we sang those lyrics, the words began to click inside my heart. It was like each verse mended a piece that had been broken and I was left a weeping mess. As we wrapped up our time at that part of the mountain side, I began to pull myself together, only to be embraced with hugs from those I have come to know and totally lost it again. I managed to break away from the group and find a spot to sit until I could regain control of my emotions. As my feet dangled over the edge of the "cliff" I was on a sweet girl who I love dearly came, helped me up and walked with me. After a I managed to mumble a few words out, one of the sponsors on the trip came beside us. We talked and I cried, at the time I was not really sure why I was such a mess. As we walked holding hands, I began to recover from my meltdown just in time, as we arrived at the tent for warm-up. I managed to make it through a couple songs with not even the smallest of tears, until we got to one of our ballad songs, Never Walk Alone by Johnson & Williams/ Arr. by Marty Hamby. As you read these lyrics, really think about what they mean. "Arms stretched out wide, barely hanging on to life, left to suffer on your own. You came for all mankind to bridge the great divide, and somehow ended up alone. Because of all the blood and tears you shed, I will never know that kind of loneliness. Your Spirit Never leaves me. Even when I'm hurting, I don't have to bear that burden on my own. You carried all the pain and buried all the shame when you made that rugged tree your righteous throne... My problems don't compare to that crown you had to wear. Still you take them as your own." My problems, my issues, my struggles, all that I deal with does not even come close to how Jesus suffered just so I would not have to deal with life alone. Tears streamed down my face as I made my way from the tent to a patch of grass overlooking the camp. "YOU carried ALL the pain and buried ALL the shame when you made that rugged tree your righteous throne." The words ran through my mind as yet again something inside my heart clicked. A few more shattered pieces of my heart were stitched back together, when I was reassured that no matter where I go, what I do, or what happens in life, my heavenly Father NEVER leaves. Because of me and for me Jesus died so that I would never be alone. Jesus walked this earth just like we are. He knows how it feels to be rejected, hurt, and alone. He knows the aches and pains of this world. He knows everything. Our God is so big, so loving, and so incredibly awesome. The same God that formed the universe, knit our lives together, created everything from the smallest of ants to the largest of galaxies. This God that carved the mountains and paints a beautiful sunsets each evening, loves us. He cares for us. He is for us. When we are helpless and broken, He is the first to pick us up and assure us that we are precious in His eyes and that we are loved more than we could ever know. For the first time in months, these words could not have been more true to me. As I continued to ponder the words that ran across my mind, I heard the song that lead into the skit I took part in, Grace Wins by Matthew West. "In my weakest moment I see you, shaking your head in disgrace. I can read the disappointment, written all over your face. Here comes those whispers in my ear, saying 'who do you think you are? I guess you're on your own from here cause grace could never reach that far.' but in the shadow of that shame beat down by all that blame, I hear you call my name, saying 'it's not over,' and my heart starts to beat so loud now drowning out the doubt.... There's a war between, guilt and grace and they're fighting for a sacred space. But I'm living proof- Grace wins every time." There I sat in a weak moment. Broken and torn, yet whole and mended. All of who I was, who I am, and who I will one day be is because of God's grace. I don't deserve life, yet He gives me the breath of life. When this cold world has left me broken and my heart in pieces, with a smile on my face I can say, "You are SO good Lord!" Because when life does not go the way I think it should, I know that God has a better adventure in store. When I'm left to hopelessly fight the world on my own, I won't be alone. When circumstances I can not control, fly bigger than I can try to contain, I know my God can calm the strongest of winds. As I sat in that weak moment, that no one is ever suppose to see, I sat and talked with my Heavenly Father. I sat as he slowly renewed and healed my crushed heart. My heart that had been torn out, trampled, thrown, beaten up, broken down, and shattered. My Heart is evident that Grace wins.
Later that evening we performed for many kinds and leaders. With a smile as wide as a mile I performed for those sweet faces, while fighting back the tears. Finally, it came time for my skit and I couldn't remember a single line. Nothing came to mind. The perfect scenario for God to work. From that night on, I was not Rebekah Raielle Henderson from Beatrice, Nebraska playing a character named Grace. I was Grace. I was the picture of God's grace. Each night I struggled to remember my lines, but that is because the Holy Spirit was speaking through me to portray exactly what God's grace looks like. What does God's grace look like? Look in the mirror? What do you see? Probably yourself. Look at all the cars during rush hour. What do you see? Probably people. God's grace looks like me. It looks like you. It looks like the people you pass on the street, the kids you babysit, your own children, your best friend, and your worst enemy. God's grace is who we are, but are we willing to accept it?
Fast Forward to Sunday Night. My final Esprit concert. Forever. Emotions were crazy, but I knew it was time for this chapter in my life to close for now. As we took the stage each song, narration, and skit had so much more meaning. When the concert came to an end, I barely made it off the stage as I burst into tears. My last Esprit tour had come to an end and oh did God do some good stuff. My heart stung a little as I said 'goodbye' to so many that I have had the privilege of knowing. Is it really goodbye though? definitely not. I will see them again, if not on this earth, I know I will see them when we get to heaven. You know, I hear a lot of stories of how Esprit has changed the lives of so many that we have the honor to encounter, while that may be true, the people we encounter truly change our lives and God truly changes our hearts. I picture my life a lot differently without Esprit and the people I have met. I will never forget Heidi, Raymond, and Gilbert- the three homeless individuals that I had the great joy to talk to and pray with last year. I will never forget as we sang "Hello My Name is" at the Beatrice State Development Center two years ago, how much joy was seen on the faces of the residents and how there was barely a dry eye in the room. I will never forget my freshmen year, the hope we gave at a homeless shelter for men or the joy we gave little kiddos at a camp for mentally challenged kids. These memories and so many more are ones I will cherish my entire life. I will never forget. These are the memories I can look back on and truly say, "God was very present there" or "He gives and takes away but blessed be the name of the Lord. " God is so incredibly good. As I begin the transition to the next chapter of my life my prayer is these song lyrics by Colton Dixon- "More of you less of me. Make me who I'm meant to be. You're all I want, all I need, you're everything. Take it all- I surrender. God I choose more of you and less of me... This life I hold so close, oh God I let it go. I refuse to gain the world and lose my soul. Take it all I abandon everything I am you can have it... I surrender all." I surrender all. All to you I surrender Lord.