I have a lot of feelings, but I don’t have a lot of words and I don’t know exactly how to put those feelings into words. Here are a few words to describe what I have seen and felt: hurt, pain, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, disgust, lost, desperate, hunger, Love, joy, little things, smiles, hugs, genuine, hope, potential, strong,!fighter, beautiful. Take those words how you will, but my guess is that we are not on the same page when we think about those words and I so wish I could fully elaborate what I am seeing and what I am feeling, but I can not yet. I can tell you that many of these words have more than one feeling or sight, for instance- I see and hunger and thirst for food and water, but I also see a hunger and thirst for something more, for the only one who can satisfy that, for Jesus. Many of these words go together- I see pain and hurt, but I also see hope and potential, especially when a young runs up to me and says, “Mozungo, one day I’m gonna be a nurse and save lots of people just like you”. Keep dreamin baby girl because I know you have potential and you’re gonna make it.
You see I have this thing that’s a curse, but it really is a blessing. When I see people in pain and struggling, my heart automatically feels exactly the way they are feeling. It’s hard in times of hurt but so joyous in time of celebration. Long story short: my heart is feeling a lot right now.
Friday- January 19, 2018:
Today was a pretty easy going day. We had a home visit in the morning and had a little time at the school to hang out with the kiddos at school after tea time. We then headed to an absolutely gorgeous waterfall! I was terrified most of the time because the hike included climbing down rocks and steep paths to see the waterfall and I don’t do heights with no railing or anything. It was for sure an adventure, but pretty cool to see. After the waterfall we had time to play with the kids at school. Before our free time, we were able to hand out new game uniforms to all the kids and it was so fu.n to see their reactions and their great big smiles. They were so grateful! That was pretty much our day, because of the travel ban it makes things a little tricky because we have to be back by dark, but we make it work! Tomorrow we are headed to the Rift Valley!
Saturday- January 20, 2018:
We got to sleep in today! Meaning I slept until 7.. 😂 we started the day by going to a small market to get souvenirs. I can not get over how cheap things are here! I got a necklace for like $1.50 and a hand carved and painted sign for $7. It was so cool to see all the things they make and just how different the culture here is than the US.
After the market we started our trek to the look out spot for Rift Valley. It was beautiful. God sure is quite the artist! We then drove down into the Rift Valley and visited a mango farm which was neat. Once we finished at the mango farm we went up the mountains a little more and ate at a restaurant and I ate SO MUCH MANGO. Oh my grascious it was sooooo good!! We finished eating and then went on another hike to see a baby waterfall.
It was pretty late by the time we finished, so we headed back to the hotel after that.
To sum up today- God took my breath away. Wow oh wow is His creation stunning!
Sunday- January 21, 2018:
Today we went to church at the school (literally lasted like 3 hours) and said goodbye to 4 members of our team. The rest of the day was spent hanging out and loving on those sweet kids. We pulled out a speaker and some music and had a big dance party/parade and it was an absolute blast!! We were back at the hotel by 6 for dinner and to prepare for our clinic in the morning.
Monday- January 22, 2018:
Words can not describe how exhausted, humbled, and broken I am after today. We were up by and ready to leave by 7am and arrived to our location near Nahndi Hills around 8:30. We quickly set up all we needed for the clinic and began to see patients. I started out paired with a Kenyan nurse who translated for me and then threw me in the deep end meaning, she told me the patients symptoms and told me to diagnose the prescribe medication for the patient. "ummm she knows I am a nursing student right? Like I am no where close to qualified to do what you are asking me to do..." Were some of my immediate thoughts. How was I suppose to diagnose and prescribe?! My heart was pounding and I was slightly shaky. She gave me the symptoms for the first patient.-red eyes with discharge, nausea/vomiting, diarrhea, fever and chills-
My first diagnosis: Malaria. She was only 14. I prescribed an antimalarial pill, deworming pill, dehydration pill, and drops for her eyes and suggested she go to the hospital. I gave the paper to the nurse she looked it over and said, "good" as she handed the paper to the patient and gave them further instructions. "What do you think will happen to her" I asked the nurse. She told me she more than likely will not go to the hospital because she has no money. Once she finishes her pills she will fight until she can't fight anymore. I was not okay with this answer there has to be something more I or we can do. A disease that is now treatable is still taking the lives of thousands. The next patient was an older man. He pulled up his pant legs and before I even looked I smelt a horrible smell and then I looked. It looked as though his legs had wounds all over and that they were rotting. A few flies buzzed around his legs as he also revealed that infection was spreading to his arms. It was some sort of fungal infection that was way over due for treatment or something like cellulitis. He has had this for over 6 years. 6 YEARS AND NO ACCESS TO ANY MEDICAL CARE. I prescribed an antibiotic, 2 topical creams, and told him he needed to see a specialist. "What about him?" I asked. "If he doesn't seek further treatment he could be gone after 2 weeks". " Are you kidding me?! My first 2 patients and they probably won't make it. How is this okay?! How are we allowing people to live like this while we complain about minuscule things?! How can you see this and not be totally ticked?!" Were some of my thoughts as I choked back the tears and continued to see patients. I made lots of mistakes and was frustrated a few too many times, because yes I'm only a first year student but you can't prescribe everyone an antibiotic and send them home to die, but else was I supposed to do and how am I supposed to be okay with that. How do you see what I saw today and not be totally ticked at God and ticked at every person in the US. How do you see what I saw and not want to scream or burst into a storm of tears. How do you see what I see and not want to do so much more.
The day went on, I got more confident with my diagnosis, prescriptions, and began to question some of the nurse's decisions and provide valid reasons why (example: not every person who has chest pain has pneumonia, ya gotta look at all the symptoms and listen to your patients). Eventually we stopped for lunch and I switched to do vitals for awhile which was equally as sad, especially when someone comes through with BP of 210/105.
I saw and felt so much today and I honestly can't find the words to explain what I saw or felt.
By the end of the day I was worn, weary, and so confused. I asked the questions I hadn't asked in a long time. "God is good so why. Why is this beautiful place with beautiful people so broken and forgotten about. How is it fair that I will go home and be right in between two quality hospitals." God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good. I may not understand why the world is the way it is, but I do need to understand that He is good and His plan is perfect and He is love. I may not have helped save anyone, but you better believe I tried my best to make sure they knew how loved they are. If I can't help save their earthly life I can help their eternal life. My heart is in shreds.
While today was draining I'm so many ways, I learned a ton! I was diagnosing patients and prescribing meds basically by myself! I do believe God gave me the wisdom I needed to help each patient. He definitely worked in and through me today. I am so small. So naive. Such a child. But I am His creation. He is molding me.
Tuesday- January 23, 2018:
BREAK DAYYYYYY! The Lord knew we were tired and worn from yesterday and today, because of some miscommunication, our clinic was post poned and we had a day to rejuvenate! I woke up around 8 to get ready, eat breakfast, and spend some time with Jesus outside. We all met around 10:45 for highs and lows and devos by the pool. Once we finished all that we went to our favorite "American" restaurant, well as American as you can get in Kenya. The espresso was much appreciated! After eating we headed back to the hotel for some more free time. Most of us changed into our swim suits and hung out by the pool listening to worship music and reading. It was so nice to just relax and soak up the sun. I soaked up a little too much though.. I was fried by the time I went in. The Kenyan sun is very hot. We finished the day with dinner and headed to bed because the next day was clinic day.
Wednesday- January 24, 2018:
We were told today would be a small clinic. Over 300 patients later we were wiped. We arrived at our clinic space around 9 and began our usual set up. I again started off paired with a Kenyan nurse, which quickly took a turn. For about the first 20 minutes, my nurse decided to wander away and leave me to see patients on my own... I was terrified. None of them spoke English, but the Lord stepped in. I only saw 2 patients by myself and thankfully had an interpreter. By the 3rd patient I left the exam room to grab a tongue depressor (to check out some infected tonsils) with the main agenda to either find my nurse or Annie, because there was no way I was about to diagnose and treat patients by myself all day. My nurse didn't quite understand that as a nursing student I could not practice by myself (nor was I comfortable doing so). In Kenya, nurses are aloud to do a lot more than what we do in the states, so I think it was a learning experience for us all. We saw some really cool things today. We saw God at work in many ways.
After we had packed up all of our equipment and were getting ready to leave, a man walked over. He was limping terribly and couldn't move his arm more than about an inch. Dave adjusted him and after some coaxing his arm shot straight up and the limping from the deformed foot was significantly better. God did some really cool things, but I also again some really sad things that wrecked me.
There was a 17 year old girl who came in. We had a mobile clinic that allowed us to do more testing. Upon further testing we discovered this 17 year old girl was 7 months pregnant with cervical cancer and potentially HIV. That poor little baby would not live long enough to see much of the outside world and if that baby did, he/she would have lots of defects. The mom may not survive this who ordeal either, In the U.S., she and her baby had a solid chance, but not in Africa. Another young man- maybe 25, had HIV, malaia, typhoid, and we were treating him for TB. 25, but he will be lucky to live to 30. It's not fair, not at all and I am learning to be okay with that.
Thursday- January 25, 2017:
I'm not ready for the emotions that are going to happen today. Today we are saying goodbye. We didn't have to leave the hotel until 11, but we would be leaving for the last time. I woke up around 7:30 to get ready, pack, grab some breakfast, and do my devos out by the pool one last time. We loaded all of our luggage in our matatu and headed to have lunch at Java one more time. After lunch it was time to head to the school for our closing ceremony. Tears of joy and sadness welled in my eyes the entire time s we listened to the ceremony and as we were presented with gifts from the teachers. "I can't leave. How am I supposed to leave them and this home of mine? Why can't they all come with me? What will their life entail once we leave and once they leave? This is where I am supposed to be right now so why am I leaving?" were a few of the thoughts that ran through my mind as I was embraced with lots of hugs from each teacher. The Swahili goodbye song rang in the background as I soaked up every last bit of my time at St. Jacobs. After the ceremony many of the sweet ones I had come to love so very much came running into my arms and wiping my tears away. "Why are you crying, mozungo? We are going to see you again!" my precious Rebbecca said to me as she wiped my tears and brushed my fallen hair behind my ears. Yes, my honey, you will see me again, which is why these were tears of joy and sadness. Tears of joy because my heart has made a home here and was overflowing from all the love, the joy, the grace, the beauty, and all the goodness God showed me here through the kids, the teachers, and His creation. Tears of joy, because how lucky was I to have found a place that made saying goodbye so incredibly hard. Tears of joy, because oh my goodness their smiles and laughter made my heart skip a beat. Tears of joy, because my heart was so full. SO full of love and joy. But tears of sadness, because 2 weeks had gone way too quickly and it was time to leave. Tears of sadness, because I don't understand. I don't understand why I get to return to America to all the things I have and all the stuff that serves no need, and all the plethora of wastefulness, and they have to stay, where they go to the bathroom in a hole, eat the same meal every day, walk miles to go anywhere, have to conserve water, live in a house that could wash away in the rain, fight disease with out the access to minimal to no health care, and so much more. Tears of sadness because I don't want to leave, mixed in with a few tears of anger, because it is still not fair. Tears of sadness, because my heart was so full, but so shattered and I knew returning home meant i would have to try and piece it back together. My cup is filled, but I have been pushed off the table into a place of brokeness and emotions I don't understand and feelings i can not define yet.
We said our last goodbyes, had one last round of chai and mandazi, and headed to the airport, where we said another painful goodbye to mama. She took such good care of us all and loved us so much. I will miss her dearly.
Our flight from Eldoret to Naiobi left at 8:30 and We were at our hotel by 10. We had dinner quick and headed to bed, because tomorrow would be very early and very long.
Friday- January 26. 2018:
I definitely thought I had food poisoning of some sort, because I only slept maybe 2 hours, because my stomach hurt soooo bad and eventually was accompanied by nausea. A zofran and a few ginger tablets snapped me right out of whatever was going on and I was good to go!
I was up and getting ready by 4:30 am, because we would be leaving for our Safari by 5:45/6 am.
The Safari was SO FREAKING COOL. You better believe we were singing Hakuna Matata from Lion King most of the trip. We saw so many animals roam free in their natural space and not locked in a cage. They were happy and free and so beautiful. God created some amazing creatures. We finished our Safari around 10 and the headed to the Elephant Sanctuary. A rehabilitation center for oprhaned elephants who's parents were killed by poachers or they were injured and left behind. The idea is to eventually release them back to the wild. They were so stinkin cute and oh my goodness I got to pet a freaking elephant and marvel at how unique they are. At the end of our time with the elephants we saw an Ivory burning site/memorial. I never fully realized how terribly poaching is destroying the elephant population. While poaching is very illegal in Africa, it still is happening at a dangerous rate. The ivory elephant memorial is a place where official burn confiscated or found ivory and burn it so that no profit is made from the cruel act of poaching. It was very sad to witness.
By the time we finished up we were all ready for some lunch so we stopped at a "mall" for about an hour and quick ate so we could go to the Giraffe Sancutary. Which was I think, my favorite part of the day, because we got to hang out with giraffes for like 3 hours! We had a brief talk that talked about the different types of giraffes and how many are endangered and the purpose of this sanctuary was to help build the population. Giraffes might be my new favorite animal. Oh yeah, I KISSED A GIRAFFE. No it wasn't weird or gross, okay maybe a little, but I honestly didn't even feel more than a little tickle and there was no saliva that touched my face. I got to spend some time just petting them and marvelling at how large and beautiful they are. It was a good time, that eventually came to an end. We had to leave by for to be at the airport by 5.
We arrived at the airport sometime around 5 and the waiting began. Our flight did not leave until 11 and we couldn't check in until 8, so we made our selves comfy at a coffee shop and I think most of us used our complimentary hour of wifi in the first hour. Since we had time to kill and a long 30 hours of travelling awaited us, many of us took turns going to the restroom to wash our faces, swipe on some more deodorant, and peel out our contacts. We were only at the coffee place for about an hour and half before we were actually able to check in early. We made it through security and everything, found our gate, and settled in to have our debrief. Wow. I'm going to miss seeing these amazing, godly, and loving people everyday. God placed some great new friends in my life and I was truly honored to serve alongside each of them.
Saturday- January 27, 2018:
After 30 hours of travelling and maybe a total of 5 hours of sleep on all three flights I was home. We made it. We did it. Just like that 2 weeks were complete. My wonderful friend Carla picked me up from the airport. I grabbed my suitcase, said a few goodbyes, and we headed back to USF. I'm not gonna lie it felt very weird to drive through town, to be in town general. It felt strange and almost cold (no pun intended). I had been gone awhile and upon arrival I did not want to be back, but I did and I know that makes no sense, but y'all, Kenya ripped a huge chunk of my heart out and it's still there. We arrived at the school at I was greeted by some of my favorite people- my great friend Scott, and Jessie, an RA and friend. You better believe I gave them all giant hugs, because even though I didn't want to come home, I really did miss everyone so much and it did feel good to be back. I handed out a few souvenirs and they listened to a few stories and accepted my weirdness and hyperness due to excitement and lack of sleep. We were going to have a movie night that night so I grabbed a shower (much needed) and went to QDOBA (my first meal back in America) with Carla. I was not the slightest bit tired until after my shower and it hit me like a bus. 30 hours of travelling, a 9 hour time change, and minimal sleep was all catching up to me, but I had to try to get on a normal American schedule again so going to bed before 9 or 10 was out of the question. I managed to watch on movie with some friends and by manage I mean I was dozing off a majority of it. After the first movie I tapped out and I was in bed before 9:30. I was out like a light, because I don't remember falling asleep and I was soundly asleep until my alarm went of at 8:30. I got over 11 hours of sleep and I was still exhausted, but it was Sunday and Sunday is for Jesus so I got up and went to a new church Sunday morning. Church at the Gate was a lovely church and I felt the Spirit all around me this morning. Plus I got to see our fearless group leaders: Dave and Annie, and a new friend, Michelle.
This is where I am going to end for now, because in all honesty is and dragging and the process of understand, absorbing, and processing has not really begun yet, but I will keep you all posted with more stories from Africa, lessons God taught me, and how the recovery is going, I've said it before and I am going to say it again. A mission trip is so much more than sweet pictures, nice stories, and lessons. What we too often forget is that the recovery is brutal. I ask that you keep me and the rest of the team in your prayers as we begin this process. Thank you for your continued support! This trip would not have been possible with out all of you!
Love,
Rebekah
