I Need You Lord, Oh I Need You

"Lord I need you, Oh I need you. Every hour I need you" Forgive me Father for believing I can do anything on my own. Forgive me for running in the rain and forgetting to stop and dance. Forgive me for chasing after life and not remembering who gave me the breath of life. Forgive me for underestimating how much I need your son, your love, your grace, your peace, and most importantly, you. Forgive me for seeking after the treasures of earth rather than the treasures of the heavenly home you are preparing for me. Father, you know me from the inside out. You know me better than I know myself and you know my sins even before I commit them. You know my heart aches before I can encounter them. You know whether I will wake or breathe my last, whether I'll speak or shy away. You know. There is absolutely nothing about me that you do not know, whether it be past, present, or future. "Be thou my vision oh Lord of my heart." Every day, minute, second, you are there. You are guiding me. You are my vision. I am given a choice to follow you, on a path that may not be straight and often hazy, or to run, far, far away and dig a deep dark hole. One will grant me eternal life with you, the other eternal torture. Running always seems so much easier, to just give everything up and not worry about being "the perfect Christian", because is all the time spent at church and studying His word really worth it? Yes. It is so worth it. Though the path may be rough and you get beaten, bruised, and when you just don't want to finish the race, remember why you started it in the first place, because with out God's love, mercy, and grace, you would not even have the option between life or death. Every single person deserves death. I chose to start my race at a young age, but honestly did not understand the true essence of who God was until I was in high school. My Father in heaven is the only reason I can wake up in the morning and no matter the tasks to be finished that day or the pain in my heart I can say, "It is well with my soul". I don't care who you think you are, you are absolutely nothing with out God. I am far from perfect, in fact I am one of the clumsiest people you will ever meet. I don't have all the answers, I don't have everything figured out, I can't tell the future, and I make many mistakes, but what I do know is that when the waves of life come crashing down, I know that my Savior will always be there with a hand reached out, and when pride smacks me in the face and I'm left with nothing, but what the mess I have created I have no choice, but to humbly lay down all that I am at the feet of Jesus. "Blessed be the name of the Lord. He gives and takes away, but blessed be the name of the Lord." I don't have all that I want, but I have all that I need. I don't agree with all the answers God gives me, but His will be done. I have much taken from me, but I have been given so much more. Being a Christian does not mean I have it all together, it means I admit I am broken and I need a savior. It means that because I confess and know I am a sinner and accept God's FREE gift I am saved from the torture I deserve. It means that even though I will constantly choose to run rather than stay on the hazy path, his grace will capture me every time if I accept it. Being a Christian does NOT mean I am some judgey snob, who thinks I am better than everyone else. It simply means I have a reason to be joyful and smile. Being a Christian does NOT mean I have the Bible memorized or that I am some weird freak. It means I try my best to hide God's word in my heart and only want to share the same hope I have with those around me. Being a Christian does NOT mean I will tackle people and force them to listen to the gospel. I will more than likely not walk up to random strangers and start talking about Jesus. I want to get to know you and if I do talk to you about Jesus, please do not be offended, it just means that I love you and truly care about you and that this is important to me. Every one should have the opportunity to hear of this, "Wonderful, merciful, Savior, who rescues the souls of man." It is "in Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song. " Even at the deepest and darkest points in my life His light is still present. When the going gets rough, the light dims, and you can't seem to hear God's voice no matter how long and hard you listen, remember that though it seemed that God talked to people like Moses, Daniel, and David all the time that he only spoke to them a few times through out their hundreds of years of life. Just because it may appear that the Lord is silent does not mean He is absent. All you need to do is pray. When all hope seems lost, pray. When you can't bear to see the sun another day, pray. When all you see is gray, pray. When you feel like you have lost and want to give in, pray. Praying is more than walking around and talking into thin air. Praying is having a conversation with your best friend. No roaming fees, no limit, and a 24/7 connection. Praying is not some magic wand that you can use when you want something, its should be your lifeline. A day with prayer is far better than a day without. "How deep the Father's love for us," that He allows us to live this life for Him, yet He does not force it upon anyone, you always have a choice. For me, "My heart will sing no other name, but Jesus." With out God, I am nothing but a ticking time bomb. All I need is Him, "you can have all this world, just give me Jesus." I have so many reasons to despise God, but my life compared to the horror Jesus endured is not even worth comparison. "The son of man came to seek and save the lost." Christianity should not be about religion, it should be about a relationship. Jesus didn't socialize with the "religious", he loved the poor, need, prostitutes, tax collectors, and lame. He loved the one the world loved to hate, yet his life was taken from him and he was beaten beyond recognition. He endured a life of misery to knowing I may not choose to love Him back. He was crucified to give a worthless sinner like me a choice to serve him, so "with a thankful heart I will serve the Lord." All I can give Him in return is my heart, but that is all He has ever wanted, and "all I can do is say thank you." Thank you Jesus. Forgive this needy soul, because Lord I will never stop needing you. Apart from you Lord, there is no hope, purpose, or even life. "Riches I heed not, nor mans empty praise." Lord, your kingdom come and your will be done, I pray you lead me and I follow. Lord I need you now and forevermore, may I never forget just how much you sacrificed for a soul like me. 

Be Still

She sits slumped against a big oak tree feeling the crisp autumn wind blow through her hair. As she ponders life she watches the vibrantly colored leaves dance around the ground and the squirrels scurry hastily from one spot to another. She lets out a long deep sigh as she lies down to watch the bright blue of that days sky turn to the vivid colors of a typical fall sunset. Orange, red, yellow, purple, the colors flow together like a perfectly imperfect painting. Soon the leaves will turn brown and crunchy as fluffy white snow flakes flutter to the ground covering the dead leaves and grass with a blanket of white, but for now she rests in the midst of a fall day. The weight of the world is heavy for her. To heavy. As thoughts arise, memories flow, tasks gather, time slips away."Wasn't it just yesterday that..." She thinks long and hard of how time has slipped through her fingers much like a child playing with dusty sand. From sunrise to sunset the strings of life have her dancing like a puppet. Going this way and that way, trying to decipher which way she came from and which way she is to go. The madness much like that of the streets in the heart of New York City. Get where you're going and get there fast, keep your head down, don't smile at anyone, don't say hi or wave, don't even look at anyone. The constant pace of time distracts her from the life around her, because not only is life her puppeteer, but so is time, and when time isn't pulling the strings society is. Society tells her, "You must look this way, feel this way, have this much money, and have the latest (insert item here) to find true happiness in life". Because heaven forbid one hair is out of place or she doesn't have this or that. Heaven forbid she have a different opinion. An opinion of her own. Heaven forbid she does not follow the crowd. She excuses her behavior for not agreeing, because she knows she lives in a world where black is white, white is black. right is wrong, wrong is right, and in a world where it is no longer okay to have her own views, opinions, or even life. She is constantly held under the expectations of those around her. Trying to please those around her she chases after those unattainable expectations, like a cat chasing a speedy mouse. Impossible. No matter how fast she runs, how many tricks and jumps she does, there is no way she can possibly live up to what she is expected to. There is no way she can juggle the madness of life that is suddenly crashing down around her. She is so busy trying to be something or someone she is not that she forgets what truly matters. While her outside appearance may be flawless, on the inside, she is sick with a disease only a miracle could heal. They say outward appearance is a reflection of the inside, but if that were true, she'd barely be alive. She looks like she has it all together and that she has every answer, she tries to be the student her teacher expects her to be, the child her parents want her to be, the disciple her youth pastor encourages her to be, the friend her friends want and often need her to be. She is constantly pulled in every direction with barely a seconds time to spare. She wears a smile of happiness on her worn down face, but if only they knew that the disease that was slowly tearing her apart was now more alive than ever.
After a long winters walk, the snow gently falling like angels were shedding precious feathers from their wings, she trudges into her house. She passes her family on the way in, they say something she's sure, but she is far to focused on the thoughts speeding through her mind. Sneaking into her room, she plops on her bed and continues to ponder life. As she wonders, her head turns and her eyes fall on her Bible. She sits up, grabs the book, and wipes of the dust. "It's been awhile." She thinks out loud as she slowly flips through the pages. Discouraged, she tosses the Bible onto her bed. "I don't even know where to begin. It's been weeks since I've studied on my own. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't have the time." She mutters, thinking out loud again. When she was just about to put the Bible back on the shelf, a voice sounds in the back of her head said, "My dear daughter, here I am! Do you not hear me? Or are not listening? My child! You are my beloved and I love!" She grabs her Bible and flips through the pages until she lands on this, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and answers the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelations 3:20 She flips back a few pages to read this, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:7-10 She continues to muddle through the pages only to stop and read this, "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you, Cleanse your hands you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double minded." James 4:8 "But God... you don't understand. you have no idea what I'm going through. You don't understand all that I have to do and all that's expected of me. God you don't know how weak and tired I am. God I'm so far from you and I don't know how to fix it." She prays aloud as tears fill her eyes and she stumbles on the words as she reads the first line of Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." Be still. Rest. Relax. Have peace. Regain your strength in the arms of God! Suddenly all the tasks that she needs to complete, the homework shes expected to do, the chores that need to be done, the works that needs to be finished, and the expectations that need to be achieved aren't important, and the weight on her shoulders is released. That disease that pulled her further and further into a downward spinning spiral known as the world or sin, is no longer dragging her down. Her hands have been cleansed by the wounds of Christ and her heart purified by the blood of the Holy Lamb. She is no longer a puppet attached to strings, but a child free to run and dance and sing and live! Because God loved her, she is now able to smile with love rather than anger or exhaustion. He breathed into her the breath of life and she is now more alive than ever! That doesn't mean she won't stumble, because she will, and at times the disease will catch her and drag her back down, but no matter how far she falls, how dark it seems for her, there's always a light up a head and an out stretched arm ready to pull her back to safety. Though she run back to the waters time after time, she will not learn, but thankfully her lifeguard walks on water, and offers a little thing called Grace. "My dear, my grace is sufficient enough for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness"
That winter night seems so far away form today, and that autumn evening even further. When did life start flying by? Each day she remembers to make time for the one who created time. Even if it be only a couple minutes, that's all he longs for, is to hear his child's voice. "Draw near to him and her will draw near to you." She remembers each day as a gift, for each day she lives is one day closer to the day she'll meet her savior face to face. The day is unknown. The time is unknown. The future is unknown. For now she is remembering to be still, because the unknown is held in the hands of a known God.