The process has begun. The process of processing all that God opened my eyes to while I was in Kenya and just like last time- it hurts like hell. I know how to better handle all these emotions and feelings and thoughts this time, but that doesn’t make it any easier or any less real. I’ve said it so many times and I’m going to say it again, because in case someone missed it- mission trips are more than touching stories and sweet pictures. There’s more to the whole experience than one can explain. There's more depth to it than one snapshot can convey. That’s why you get the touching stories and sweet pictures, because no one wants to hear about the struggles. No one wants to hear about the not so great things, because we just don’t talk about those things. Well y’all I don’t like to live inside the imaginary limitations we create for ourselves and I am hear to say that the coming back from a third world country and recovering is like walking through hell on earth. Until you have walked in the shoes of someone who has you can not deny that what we are feeling is very real, acceptable, and so hard. I can not speak for everyone and I can not fully explain all that I am walking through right now, but I will try.
I’m disgusted. I’m ticked. I’m broken. I feel helpless. I don’t understand. But I am filled with joy. I’m disgusted because I heard a comment the other day and I’m sorry if it was you, but it went something like this, “I can’t drink from a faucet! I only drink bottled water.” Are you kidding me?! You know how many people I met who would give anything to be able to drink faucet water?! You have access to unlimited, clean water and we too often take it for granted. Before anyone lectures me, yes I know that I can not be upset at them, because it is quite possible that God has not opened their eyes like He has mine. It's hard. Seeing so much, feeling so much, and coming back to so many who do not understand. It hurts. Wanting everyone to understand and them not necessarily wanting to. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because my heart is feeling so much and my mind can not separate all of it's thoughts. I so badly want to fully express my whole experience, but I can't. I can not find all of the words to say and so all I say is that it was amazing or incredible, which frustrates me, because those words are huge understatements. I'm ticked. I'm ticked at my selfish self for complaining about taking cold showers, I'm ticked at those around me who complain about the smallest and sometimes dumbest things, I'm ticked at God. I know what you are thinking already, "Rebekah, you can't be mad at God and you can't ask Him why". You're right to a certain extent. You are right that I have no place to be mad at God and ask hard questions, because He is good and that's the way things are. BUT. Our heavenly father wants a real and raw relationship with us. He wants to love us though the good and the bad, even if that means we are mad at Him and that especially means asking Him hard questions. It is often through those times of anger that we are the most honest with God and during those times we find the most growth.
I wrote the first half of this blog about 4 weeks after I returned and then I stopped. I got too caught up in my emotions and frustrations of not being able to fully convey the recovery process. We do not talk about processing your experience because it is so hard. It's like having peroxide poured into a large, infected gash on the side of your leg- painful, but necessary. I have stories I could share that would show you the pain I felt there and I have stories that would show you the joy. I would love to share those, but for now I will not. It has been six months since I returned. You know, God really does work in mysterious ways, because now it's six months until I leave again and y'all, my heart is so ready. I have never been on a trip that filled me with so much love and joy and I can not wait to continue to spread it to the people of Kenya once again.
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