Precious Love

"It is finished." Was his cry. The perfect, lamb of God was crucified. He willingly laid down his life and all of who he was so that we could one day live in paradise. He was stripped of not only his clothing, but his dignity, his title, his reputation, and his life. Whipped and beaten far beyond recognition. Soldiers and enemies taunted him and spat on him. Nails were hammered into his flesh and bone as he laid on a cross. The cross was slammed into the ground and he hung there for hours. I could go on and on of how much Jesus truly sacrificed for our salvation, but I would be repeating every Jesus story ever written. I just want everyone reading this to understand a few things.

1.) I love Jesus with all of my heart. He is the reason I can jump out of bed every single morning with a smile on my face and say, "today is going to be a great day!" With out Jesus as my savior, I have no idea where my life would be today. 

2.) Following Jesus does not mean I have everything figured out or that my life is perfect. It just means that because I know I am broken and in need of Him and his love, I have a reason to be optimistic.

3.) I am NOT better than anyone who is not a believer and anyone who thinks they are needs to take a step down and look around at how Jesus treated those around him. Jesus walked and talked with the lame, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the poor, and the needy, not the popular. Jesus loved the ones the world loved to hate. Pop that comfort bubble and look for those who need a friend, or more importantly those who need Jesus.

4.) Jesus did not solve all my problems over night. My life is an absolute mess, but he makes beauty from the broken. Comparing my life from years ago to now, it is amazing how many of the prayers God has answered.

5.) God's plan is ALWAYS best. This is one I have struggled with. I want life to go my way on my time. God does not work that way. Even when it is hard to understand what exactly God is doing or how life will go on, God knows what he is doing and it is such a wonderful thing to see how he answers your prayers, whether it be the way you want or another. 

6.) TRUST. Let it go and let God. I know, it is easier said then done, but the amount of relief you feel when you finally let go is magical. He's got it, he does not need your input or help. If it is meant to happen it will, if it is not, it won't. Allow him to take all your worries, fears, and stresses and watch as he molds you into the person he has planned you to be. "The gate is narrow and those who enter are few."

7.) You are loved. did you catch that? YOU ARE LOVED! More than you will ever know or even hope to comprehend. The same God who created the universe and holds the world in his hands, loves YOU. Not only does he love you and care for you, but he HEARS you. Every prayer, thought, question, giggle, cry, and whisper. He hears it all! How incredibly AWESOME is it that our God can hear all of us at the same time and meet each of our needs?!

8.) A minute spent with Jesus is far better than and evening with the world. Though it may not seem like it, each minute spent talking to God or learning about him is precious. A day with out Jesus is like a day with out food or water, eventually you will run extremely low and lose your battle against hunger. Your spiritual life is just like your physical life. Jesus is the bread you need every day, not the dessert for special guests to see.

9.) It is scary. Trusting Jesus and being his hands and feet. At times it is hard and the world pulls you down and people persecute you, but would you rather stand alone with God and be judged by the world or stand with the world and be judged by God? 

10.) You need Jesus. You need his love, his grace, his peace, you need him. All of who he is, is more than enough for all of you. Humbly lay down your pride and come home to Jesus. He is always waiting with arms held wide open. 

I do not have anyone I call my love. No valentine or boyfriend, but I can honestly say I am loved far beyond words could express. The precious lamb was nailed to a cross to say that you are loved. He took the punishment I deserved and paid the debt that I could never pay. I do not deserve the freedom I gain in Christ. I do not deserve his grace or love. I do not deserve a second chance. I do not deserve his forgiveness. I do not deserve anything he has given me. My heart is cold, I sin, I run when he tells me to stay, I seek revenge, I hold grudges, I fail constantly. I am a sinner. I am broken. I do not deserve what God sent his son to do. I cashed a check I could not pay and created a debt I could never afford. I deserve death. I deserve torture. I deserve hatred. I deserve punishment. BUT God loved me and he loved you SO much that the thought of losing us, was not bearable. I deserved abandonment, but he sent his son, the perfect sacrifice, to save a no good sinner like me. He does not call me by my sin, he calls by my name. He calls me his child. The prince of peace was slain, but the good news, He rose again, and even better news He is coming back! Because Jesus lives and because of his promise I have a reason to sit here and write these blogs, I have a reason to tell of his love, I have a reason to smile and laugh. Because Jesus lives, there is no battle you can not face. Though I am worn, tattered, torn, and broken, each day he makes me new in him. Put down the pen that keeps your tallies of wrong and right, you are forgiven! No matter who you are, where you have been, what you have seen, what you have done, Jesus loves you and He forgives you! Stop waiting for tomorrow to live your life. Today, because of Jesus lives, you can be new in him. You can live a life without fear or worry. God has you in the palm of his hand and he is guiding your foot steps. Hallelujah! Death has lost and LOVE has won! Holy holy is the lamb of God almighty! There is sweet victory in Jesus!

Are You Listening? -Part 2

"Good morning dear, I'm glad you had a good night of rest."
"Good morning Father! How did you know I slept well?"
"Little one I know everything! I know when you sleep, when you wake, when you stand, and when you sit. I know when you are happy and when you are disappointed. I know all the secrets you don't want anyone to know and I know the lies you've told. I know all about who you are, what you are, and who you want to be."
"Right... I guess I forget that you are always there. You are always there for me yet I only want you when it is convenient for me. I never stop to think about how much you really do know. I mean I tell my best friends everything I feel comfortable telling them, which is a lot, but there is still so much about me they do not know. There's much that I am too ashamed to tell them. So many sins I've committed that I wouldn't dare share with them, because they might think of me in a different way. People don't tend to be so forgiving when they know your secrets. Why are people so harsh?"
"My dear, you must not worry about those around you. I am, I was, and I will always be who you know me to be and who you will find me to be. People change on a daily basis. They are the one thing in your life you don't want to change, yet they are the ones who change the most. The ones you once held dear are now no where near. It is a long and hard lesson to learn and many learn the wrong lesson and end up wrecking many relationships. I tell you in confidence my dear, be careful who you listen to and be careful who you let your secrets flow to. The disciples thought they could trust Judas. Eve listened to a snake. Neither of those situations turned out well. You sin, but they sin too. They are not perfect and for them to not love you like I do is a sin in its self. Remember my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness. You must forgive one another just as I have forgiven you, by doing this all will know you are my child. Do not worry about those you lose along the way. I have a different plan for each of them and you, and it does not involve you together. Rest in my peace today, knowing that I will pick you up when you stumble."
"It's just so hard to leave the ones I love, or use to. Is there any other way?"
"Love, I sent my son to die for you. The night his blood fell from his wounds I felt a great deal of pain in my heart and so did my son. He had to leave many behind that he loved, but with out this sacrifice I would have had to leave you forever. Moses was parted from his family who loved him dearly, but look what I did through him! I have a wonderful plan for you and right now you can only see the pages you have written. My book for your life is already complete, you are still writing yours."
"Father did you see that?! Did you hear what they said to that poor girl? Did you see what they did to me? Why do they have to be so mean? Why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like I can't go on anymore? I don't want this! This isn't the life I want! Why Lord why?! Why do you let so many despicable things happen, not only to me, but to everyone?! This world is nothing but hurt, sadness, and anger. I just don't understand you."
"Oh dear.. My sweet, sweet child.. I have seen everything. I saw what they did and I see all the pain in the world. Believe me when I say that I truly do love you and that a bad day or even week does not mean you have a bad life. There are those who are in far worse situations than you and yes I see them too. I know the struggle they have suffered and will suffer and they will get their reward one day. One day soon my son will come for you and you will kneel before my throne. I will show you all you have done, even the things you had wished I'd forgotten. On that day in paradise, all your questions will be answered, but until then, love like I love you. Be a friend to those who need a friend, just like how my son walked and talked with the ones the world loved to hate. If someone treats you or anyone else poorly, remember 7X70, turn the other cheek and learn from their actions. Use their negative attitudes and poor spirits to fill the world with happiness and love. In the end love will always win. Be who I have created you to be. Not who others want you to be. They devil prowls around like a hungry lion ready to devour anything in his sight. Do not fall into his temptation or the worldly lifestyle you see everyday."
"Ouch! What is this? Lord, what is this feeling I'm feeling? Why does it hurt so bad? What is happening to me?"
"Hurt, my dear. You are hurt. What you are feeling is a broken heart. You have seen what the world does to those who love me and even those who reject me. You have experienced what it is like to try and carry the weight of this world all on your own and fail. My sweet child, rest in my arms. Allow me to carry you as I slowly put you back together."
"I got the worst news today Father. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it."
"I know you did. Talk to me. Tell me what you are feeling. Tell me why you are struggling. Just talk to me."
"You want to know how I'm feeling?! Don't you already know?! I am furious! Of all times why did this have to happen to me now?! You know how important this is to me and now there's a chance I will never be able to do this again and why?! Why did you have to shatter my heart like this? Do you not see how much this is hurting me or how much I would give to have it all back again? Do you know what it was like for me to sit there and listen to all these things I had to do and even if I did do them it was not a 100% guarantee of recovery. Do you have any idea how I felt as my heart was ripped out knowing I could not do the one thing I loved to do and the one gift I could give back to you?! You want me talk to you? Well there. I said it. That's exactly how I'm feeling."
"Breathe my child, breathe. You are so focused on the future that you are not looking at the present. What will happen will and what is not meant to be won't. You know better than most that this is not the end. I can not tel you now why you are in the position that you are in, but someday you will look back and know. Wipe the tears from your weary eyes and trust in my plan. Rest awhile in my grace knowing that I will pull you free from this storm. As you learn to abide in me I will gather the pieces of your shattered heart and make it new again. My precious, you will have trouble in this world, but I have overcome the world! I know how it feels to have a broken heart more than you know. The night my son asked why I had forsaken him, every child that turns from me,, every sin that is committed, and every angry cry is a spear to my heart. I know the pain you are feeling. I have walked in your shoes, I have walked your path and I know where it leads. Trust me. I can not give you the full joy of life or the next step if you do not rely on me 100%."
"......I.... I... I.. am.. just so tired.. Tired of fighting for this... This was my life.. There was not a plan B. I was not suppose to deal with this. not now. Not after how far I had come and how hard I had worked. I gave everything. This was not how this was suppose to go, this is not the way I saw this, this isn't what I had planned."
"No, this is not what you had planned, but this is what I have planned. My dear you can not count your steps like that. Stop where you are and surrender to my love and peace. Your plans are not my plans. Trust me when I say my plans are the best."
"Where am I? How did I fall so far from who I was? This isn't me! I don't do this, I don't act like this! What is wrong with me?!"
"My dear, the less time you spend with me and the more time you spend with the world, the more you act like the world, and the more of a gap that is created between you and I. This is the last thing I want, but you make your own choices. I have given you the privilege of free will and it's up to you how you use it. I know this is not the way you would normally behave, but for now my love, you need to rest. We will discuss this when you are not sleep deprived. I know the days are rough and the nights are longs, but my grace is sufficient for you. Rest now little one. I will keep you safe. Allow me to comfort you as you count the stars in the sky. Peace I give to you tonight as your eyes flutter shut. Until next time sweet child."
"Until next time Father."

Are You Listening? -Part 1

"Stop that."
"Stop what?'
"You're doing it again"
"Doing what again?!" 
"You're not living. You're just going through the motions. You're not experiencing all I have planned for you."
"No I'm not! I'm living just like everyone else."
"Exactly!"
"What is that suppose to mean?"
"You're living like everyone else. That's not what I've called you to do. I've called you to act like my son did, to follow in his example, not to follow the ways of man,"
"But God... [insert name here] is such a good Christian! They love you, they follow you, they talk to you, and the study your word everyday. It's just so easy for them, why can't it be like that for me? Why do they have it all together and I don't"
"My darling you do not have to strive to be like [insert name here]. You are not them, nor they you. You have know idea the battle we are fighting, trust me when I say that they do not have it all together. I am working with them on things you do not know or understand, just like you and I are working on our relationship."
"I understand, but I don't understand. It's just so hard living up to all these rules and expectations and guidelines. I don't compare to those around me..."
"My dear, you have nothing to live up to, no expectations to exceed, and no specific guidelines to follow.You will never be able to compare yourself to any other living soul, because none of  you are exactly the same. That's why I designed the world the way I did, so no one person could be higher than the other, but rather equal. Don't try to compare yourself to those around you, you are special and I love you just the way you are, after all that is why I formed you and created a plan for your life long before your parents even thought about your existence. You are my precious."
"I wish I could see you.. like really see you, things would be easier that way. Why can't you visit earth? Why can't I see you face to face?"
"My precious, you see me every day, but you rarely acknowledge me. I am there, I am always there. In the midst of chaotic halls I am there, in the silence of an empty classroom I am there, in the stormy skies I am there, even in something as small as a dandelion you can find
my presence. You don't understand why things are the way they are, but in time you will know and I will teach you."
"Oh.. I thought it was something I did. Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in you, but I know there's a reason for this. Have I really not noticed you? What have I been doing that I haven't seen you?"
"Remember when we first started our conversation?"
"Yeah?.."
"You have been too caught up in the act, too caught up in the world, too caught up in the motions."
"But..I... I didn't mean to... I just got tired and the path just seemed so hard.. I.. I just needed a break.. I was just having some fun, is that so wrong? I've done my duty! I go to church every Sunday morning and night and every Wednesday night. I do my devos and I tell you thank you and good night. what more can I do?!"
"My child, you most not forget who you are! You are my child and I love you. It is in me and my son that you find who you are and what you are to live for. You sound as if I have cast a burden upon you, that is not my intent. Remember the path that is wide has many followers and leads to destruction, while the narrow path has few followers and leads to paradise. Life is hard, it hurts my heart to see you in pain and it strikes even deeper when you place the blame on me. You have free will of the decisions you make, I will of course guide you along the way, but you can't follow the path if you don't listen to what I direct you. I want our relationship to be more than just text book, more than just church, more than just a good night message. My child if only you knew how much I love you. I am your father, you are my child. Come to me. I long to hear about you, your day, and all the things that bother you or excite you."
"I'm sorry daddy... Are you made at me? I have failed you again. Over and over I fail you again.. I am not worthy of you or your love. Why do you continue to pick me up? Why do you continue to love me when all I do is hurt you?"
"You are MY child Nothing will ever change that. You mess up a lot, which is why I had to send my son for you. Without a savior there would be separation between us forever, but my dear I loved you so much that I couldn't bear the thought of living with out you. Like any father forgives and guides their child, so will I continue to forgive, love, and guide you. Like the parable of the prodigal son, no matter how far you run from me, I will always be waiting for you with open arms waiting for you to come home."
"Forgive my father... Forgive me for being so ungrateful. Forgive me for following the crowd. Forgive me for not choosing you. Forgive me for not being your child or disciple. Forgive me father for failing you and for the times I will in the future. Forgive me for I know what I do, but do it anyway. Forgive me."
"My dear I will never stop forgiving you! Rest in my grace knowing you are my child and that by this grace you have been saved and forgiven, but please do not take advantage of this grace I give you. Remember you can do all things through me."
"Father?"
"Yes dear?'"
"Can we start this conversation over?"
"Of course we can! How was your day darling?"
"Looking at my day before our talk it was terrible, but now I realize just how lucky I am!"
"My precious you have much to learn and I am delighted that you already are."
"Daddy, I'm a little tired now."
"I know sweetheart. Why don't you rest now and we will talk tomorrow, okay?"
"Good night Daddy! I'll talk to you in the morning!"
" I know you will darling. Good night sweet child."

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the path is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Mathew 7:13-14

I Need You Lord, Oh I Need You

"Lord I need you, Oh I need you. Every hour I need you" Forgive me Father for believing I can do anything on my own. Forgive me for running in the rain and forgetting to stop and dance. Forgive me for chasing after life and not remembering who gave me the breath of life. Forgive me for underestimating how much I need your son, your love, your grace, your peace, and most importantly, you. Forgive me for seeking after the treasures of earth rather than the treasures of the heavenly home you are preparing for me. Father, you know me from the inside out. You know me better than I know myself and you know my sins even before I commit them. You know my heart aches before I can encounter them. You know whether I will wake or breathe my last, whether I'll speak or shy away. You know. There is absolutely nothing about me that you do not know, whether it be past, present, or future. "Be thou my vision oh Lord of my heart." Every day, minute, second, you are there. You are guiding me. You are my vision. I am given a choice to follow you, on a path that may not be straight and often hazy, or to run, far, far away and dig a deep dark hole. One will grant me eternal life with you, the other eternal torture. Running always seems so much easier, to just give everything up and not worry about being "the perfect Christian", because is all the time spent at church and studying His word really worth it? Yes. It is so worth it. Though the path may be rough and you get beaten, bruised, and when you just don't want to finish the race, remember why you started it in the first place, because with out God's love, mercy, and grace, you would not even have the option between life or death. Every single person deserves death. I chose to start my race at a young age, but honestly did not understand the true essence of who God was until I was in high school. My Father in heaven is the only reason I can wake up in the morning and no matter the tasks to be finished that day or the pain in my heart I can say, "It is well with my soul". I don't care who you think you are, you are absolutely nothing with out God. I am far from perfect, in fact I am one of the clumsiest people you will ever meet. I don't have all the answers, I don't have everything figured out, I can't tell the future, and I make many mistakes, but what I do know is that when the waves of life come crashing down, I know that my Savior will always be there with a hand reached out, and when pride smacks me in the face and I'm left with nothing, but what the mess I have created I have no choice, but to humbly lay down all that I am at the feet of Jesus. "Blessed be the name of the Lord. He gives and takes away, but blessed be the name of the Lord." I don't have all that I want, but I have all that I need. I don't agree with all the answers God gives me, but His will be done. I have much taken from me, but I have been given so much more. Being a Christian does not mean I have it all together, it means I admit I am broken and I need a savior. It means that because I confess and know I am a sinner and accept God's FREE gift I am saved from the torture I deserve. It means that even though I will constantly choose to run rather than stay on the hazy path, his grace will capture me every time if I accept it. Being a Christian does NOT mean I am some judgey snob, who thinks I am better than everyone else. It simply means I have a reason to be joyful and smile. Being a Christian does NOT mean I have the Bible memorized or that I am some weird freak. It means I try my best to hide God's word in my heart and only want to share the same hope I have with those around me. Being a Christian does NOT mean I will tackle people and force them to listen to the gospel. I will more than likely not walk up to random strangers and start talking about Jesus. I want to get to know you and if I do talk to you about Jesus, please do not be offended, it just means that I love you and truly care about you and that this is important to me. Every one should have the opportunity to hear of this, "Wonderful, merciful, Savior, who rescues the souls of man." It is "in Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song. " Even at the deepest and darkest points in my life His light is still present. When the going gets rough, the light dims, and you can't seem to hear God's voice no matter how long and hard you listen, remember that though it seemed that God talked to people like Moses, Daniel, and David all the time that he only spoke to them a few times through out their hundreds of years of life. Just because it may appear that the Lord is silent does not mean He is absent. All you need to do is pray. When all hope seems lost, pray. When you can't bear to see the sun another day, pray. When all you see is gray, pray. When you feel like you have lost and want to give in, pray. Praying is more than walking around and talking into thin air. Praying is having a conversation with your best friend. No roaming fees, no limit, and a 24/7 connection. Praying is not some magic wand that you can use when you want something, its should be your lifeline. A day with prayer is far better than a day without. "How deep the Father's love for us," that He allows us to live this life for Him, yet He does not force it upon anyone, you always have a choice. For me, "My heart will sing no other name, but Jesus." With out God, I am nothing but a ticking time bomb. All I need is Him, "you can have all this world, just give me Jesus." I have so many reasons to despise God, but my life compared to the horror Jesus endured is not even worth comparison. "The son of man came to seek and save the lost." Christianity should not be about religion, it should be about a relationship. Jesus didn't socialize with the "religious", he loved the poor, need, prostitutes, tax collectors, and lame. He loved the one the world loved to hate, yet his life was taken from him and he was beaten beyond recognition. He endured a life of misery to knowing I may not choose to love Him back. He was crucified to give a worthless sinner like me a choice to serve him, so "with a thankful heart I will serve the Lord." All I can give Him in return is my heart, but that is all He has ever wanted, and "all I can do is say thank you." Thank you Jesus. Forgive this needy soul, because Lord I will never stop needing you. Apart from you Lord, there is no hope, purpose, or even life. "Riches I heed not, nor mans empty praise." Lord, your kingdom come and your will be done, I pray you lead me and I follow. Lord I need you now and forevermore, may I never forget just how much you sacrificed for a soul like me. 

Be Still

She sits slumped against a big oak tree feeling the crisp autumn wind blow through her hair. As she ponders life she watches the vibrantly colored leaves dance around the ground and the squirrels scurry hastily from one spot to another. She lets out a long deep sigh as she lies down to watch the bright blue of that days sky turn to the vivid colors of a typical fall sunset. Orange, red, yellow, purple, the colors flow together like a perfectly imperfect painting. Soon the leaves will turn brown and crunchy as fluffy white snow flakes flutter to the ground covering the dead leaves and grass with a blanket of white, but for now she rests in the midst of a fall day. The weight of the world is heavy for her. To heavy. As thoughts arise, memories flow, tasks gather, time slips away."Wasn't it just yesterday that..." She thinks long and hard of how time has slipped through her fingers much like a child playing with dusty sand. From sunrise to sunset the strings of life have her dancing like a puppet. Going this way and that way, trying to decipher which way she came from and which way she is to go. The madness much like that of the streets in the heart of New York City. Get where you're going and get there fast, keep your head down, don't smile at anyone, don't say hi or wave, don't even look at anyone. The constant pace of time distracts her from the life around her, because not only is life her puppeteer, but so is time, and when time isn't pulling the strings society is. Society tells her, "You must look this way, feel this way, have this much money, and have the latest (insert item here) to find true happiness in life". Because heaven forbid one hair is out of place or she doesn't have this or that. Heaven forbid she have a different opinion. An opinion of her own. Heaven forbid she does not follow the crowd. She excuses her behavior for not agreeing, because she knows she lives in a world where black is white, white is black. right is wrong, wrong is right, and in a world where it is no longer okay to have her own views, opinions, or even life. She is constantly held under the expectations of those around her. Trying to please those around her she chases after those unattainable expectations, like a cat chasing a speedy mouse. Impossible. No matter how fast she runs, how many tricks and jumps she does, there is no way she can possibly live up to what she is expected to. There is no way she can juggle the madness of life that is suddenly crashing down around her. She is so busy trying to be something or someone she is not that she forgets what truly matters. While her outside appearance may be flawless, on the inside, she is sick with a disease only a miracle could heal. They say outward appearance is a reflection of the inside, but if that were true, she'd barely be alive. She looks like she has it all together and that she has every answer, she tries to be the student her teacher expects her to be, the child her parents want her to be, the disciple her youth pastor encourages her to be, the friend her friends want and often need her to be. She is constantly pulled in every direction with barely a seconds time to spare. She wears a smile of happiness on her worn down face, but if only they knew that the disease that was slowly tearing her apart was now more alive than ever.
After a long winters walk, the snow gently falling like angels were shedding precious feathers from their wings, she trudges into her house. She passes her family on the way in, they say something she's sure, but she is far to focused on the thoughts speeding through her mind. Sneaking into her room, she plops on her bed and continues to ponder life. As she wonders, her head turns and her eyes fall on her Bible. She sits up, grabs the book, and wipes of the dust. "It's been awhile." She thinks out loud as she slowly flips through the pages. Discouraged, she tosses the Bible onto her bed. "I don't even know where to begin. It's been weeks since I've studied on my own. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't have the time." She mutters, thinking out loud again. When she was just about to put the Bible back on the shelf, a voice sounds in the back of her head said, "My dear daughter, here I am! Do you not hear me? Or are not listening? My child! You are my beloved and I love!" She grabs her Bible and flips through the pages until she lands on this, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and answers the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelations 3:20 She flips back a few pages to read this, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:7-10 She continues to muddle through the pages only to stop and read this, "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you, Cleanse your hands you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double minded." James 4:8 "But God... you don't understand. you have no idea what I'm going through. You don't understand all that I have to do and all that's expected of me. God you don't know how weak and tired I am. God I'm so far from you and I don't know how to fix it." She prays aloud as tears fill her eyes and she stumbles on the words as she reads the first line of Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." Be still. Rest. Relax. Have peace. Regain your strength in the arms of God! Suddenly all the tasks that she needs to complete, the homework shes expected to do, the chores that need to be done, the works that needs to be finished, and the expectations that need to be achieved aren't important, and the weight on her shoulders is released. That disease that pulled her further and further into a downward spinning spiral known as the world or sin, is no longer dragging her down. Her hands have been cleansed by the wounds of Christ and her heart purified by the blood of the Holy Lamb. She is no longer a puppet attached to strings, but a child free to run and dance and sing and live! Because God loved her, she is now able to smile with love rather than anger or exhaustion. He breathed into her the breath of life and she is now more alive than ever! That doesn't mean she won't stumble, because she will, and at times the disease will catch her and drag her back down, but no matter how far she falls, how dark it seems for her, there's always a light up a head and an out stretched arm ready to pull her back to safety. Though she run back to the waters time after time, she will not learn, but thankfully her lifeguard walks on water, and offers a little thing called Grace. "My dear, my grace is sufficient enough for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness"
That winter night seems so far away form today, and that autumn evening even further. When did life start flying by? Each day she remembers to make time for the one who created time. Even if it be only a couple minutes, that's all he longs for, is to hear his child's voice. "Draw near to him and her will draw near to you." She remembers each day as a gift, for each day she lives is one day closer to the day she'll meet her savior face to face. The day is unknown. The time is unknown. The future is unknown. For now she is remembering to be still, because the unknown is held in the hands of a known God.

Trust and Never doubt -LTC 2015, Denver Colorado

Terrified. I had just gotten home from a week long tour with Esprit and I was terrified. In just 9 hours I would be on the road again to go back to Colorado. Why you may ask, for a Christian conference called Lead THE Cause University founded by Dare2Share and held at Colorado Christian. As I arrived home from the final Esprit concert at around 11 P.M. and unloaded everything from my van to my room, fear began to set in. I sat on my bed totally aware of what all I needed to do before those 9 hours passed. Unpack, laundry, pack, get snacks, double check packed items, and probably at some point shower. The list continued of what all needed to be done, but I just sat there as slowly, yet powerfully the fear and doubt of the unknown began to creep deep down into me. Why should I worry? Why should I be at all afraid of what that next week would bring? Because I couldn't control it and I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. For the past three years I had gone down to Carey Mississippi with my youth group and taught VBS at three different churches. I loved it, the kids loved it, and the community loved it. Not only did my youth group look forward to making the long journey down, but so did the ones who lived in Carey. We brought SO much joy, hope, and love to the ones we encountered while down there. A few things you need to know about Carey, This town is extremely poor. One of the poorest in the U.S. These families have close to nothing and many of the children have no love. Every year my focus was to love on them every chance I had. This would have been my fourth year going, but my youth leaders made the very difficult decision to not take us to Carey Mississippi this year. A long, hard, choice that I honestly really doubted. I needed to see my kids. I had to, the relationship I had built with them over those three years was remarkable. Things would never be the same. What I didn't know was that God had it all figured out the whole time. He shut one door, which was Missions Trip, but He opened up an incredible window, which was Lead THE Cause.
This window was a whole new experience not only for me, but for my youth group as well. Sleep deprived and stressed Rebekah came out as late Sunday night I had a total meltdown with God praying, "Lord is this really what you want me to do? I just had an amazing week and now I'm going to this conference? I'd give anything to just see the sweet smiles of my Mississippi girls. There is no way this is what you want me to do. Is this really going to happen? Lord change their minds!" My mind was so full of doubt and my body shaken with fear. I was terrified. After about an hour of wrestling with God, I finally pulled myself together and began to repack. "What if this? What if that? What if.. What if... What if...??" The thoughts continued in my mind as I laid down to get approximately 3 hours and 14 minutes of sleep before leaving on this dreadful trip. *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* My alarm sounded and I violently shut it off and began to get ready for the long car ride. I did the essentials and threw some last minute things in my suitcase, put on a smile and called it good. "Here we go.." I said as I let out a long, hard sigh. "There's no turning back now", I thought after we prayed, said our last goodbyes, and loaded into the vans. Nine hours later we arrived at the campus of Colorado Christian University and it's raining, not only that, but I then find out that the dorm I'm staying in had NO air conditioning. " Oh great this week is already starting out fabulous". Though I was fearful of this trip, I didn't forget to pray about it. "Father I'm terrified. I have no idea why you want me here or what you want from me. Grow our relationship and help me to be who you want me to be. Show yourself in a way I've never seen before. Break my heart for what breaks yours Lord. Change my heart from the inside out."
The first session began at 7 P.M. on Monday night. After the first 30 minutes I realized how incredibly dumb I was. For the first day and a half we focused on nothing but prayer and worship. Anyone remember in Veggie-Tales version of Jonah? When Jonah is in the stomach of the whale and the gospel singers come out and start singing, "If you believe Gods love is true, then you should know what you should do." Or one of the famous gospel songs with lyrics that say, "Trust and never doubt, He will bring you out! I know the Lord will make away!" Yeah... why didn't I think of those earlier. Within those first 30 minutes any doubt that I had left was totally wiped away. Picture this: A school gym with tables and chairs set up and a small stage. Students and leaders filling almost every seat and the band in genuine worship. As the worship continues Gods presence grows. Hands of teens and leaders reaching out to their heavenly father and calling out to their daddy. Surrounded by pure worship. Now picture this: Moments later after a very powerful talk about prayer, leaders and students drop to their knees and pray prayers of thanks, love, requests, anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to not only be on your knees talking to your heavenly father, but also be surrounded by genuine prayer? I can not even begin to describe the feeling. That was just on the first day!
Tuesday morning we had a core training and another session about praying with PASSION and not just passion, but with a GENUINE heart as well. God already knows what we're going to say before we say it, so there is no need to try and fancy it up. "And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words." Matthew 6:7  It's better for your prayers to come from your heart, than a bunch of empty, meaningless words. Just talk to God as if you were talking to your best friend, for that's what he longs to be. "And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." Ephesians 6:18 Get exciting news and want to text your number one contact? Pray and tell God first. Awful day and want to have a rant session with your best friend? Talk to your Father who cares and loves for you more than any song or written word could express. You see the best thing about prayer is that there is a 24 hours a day and 7 days a week connection. You will never run out of minutes, lose service, have roaming charges, or get dead battery. The line will never be busy and it's always a straight call. See one of the amazing things about God is his ability to hear prayer. There are 7.125 billion people in the earth and roughly 6,500 languages spoken and OUR GOD can hear every. single. prayer. How amazing is that?! I can barely listen to music and hear what my mother is instructing me to do at the same time. Later on Tuesday afternoon we ventured to Columbine high school where 13 were killed and roughly 24 injured by 2 lost souls by the names of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris. Though I myself do not remember the tragic event, it does have a special place in my heart, knowing that my graduating class has lost 3 students since our eighth grade year. I felt honored to walk around the campus and pray. Here are a couple quotes from the memorial.
  "I would be misleading you if I said I understand this. I don't"
 "I think this caused people to strengthen rather than shake their faith in God."
This memorial was a very solemn place and to read the quotes of not only the injured, but what the families had written for the fallen was heart breaking. One by one that day we nailed new commitments to a cross at the top of the hill at the memorial. As we started to leave the wind began to pick up and the sky began to shed a few drops almost as if God was tearing up, after each student made a promise pleasing to Him.
Wednesday and Thursday we had core training and sessions in the morning. In the afternoon we had what they called, "Stranger Danger Evangelism". Which was basically where each group was in charge of an area in Denver and we had go up to random people and share the GOSPEL. For those of you who don't know this acronym here it is:
G-God created us to be with Him
O-Our sins separate us from God
S-Sins can not be removed by good deeds
P-Paying the price for our sins, Christ died and rose again
E-Everyone who trusts in Him alone has eternal life
L-Life with Jesus starts now and lasts FOREVER
Knowing the GOSPEL is the easy part, it's sharing it is where it gets tricky. You have know idea how scary it is to go up to completely random strangers, in a city you are not familiar with at all, in a park you don't know. Though this was challenging, it really opened my eyes. When making disciples who make disciples or even just sharing your faith, not every one is going to say yes. In fact you'd be surprised at how many people would refuse to let you pray for them. There were many who allowed us to pray for them like a sweet old lady by the name of Margaret whose grandson was in jail. I listened as she struggled to talk and prayed as she wept. Or a lovely lady by the name of Janet who was desperately looking for a new apartment. She lived in an apartment with her 15 year old son in a very dangerous neighborhood and feared her son would get caught up in a local gang. I have so many stories from stranger danger evangelism, but one that I have not stopped thinking about is from a young man named Andrew. A homeless college student from Pittsburgh but stuck in Denver trying to get into college. He was raised Catholic, but went his own way. He was on the right track of how to get to heaven, but he had questions, oh did he have questions. They were very good questions too, I could definitely tell he was thinking. He was thinking hard. Though he didn't accept Christ after the long talk we had with him, I know we planted a seed and I know that the gears in his head were turning. After we left to get on our bus, I peeked back and saw him continue to look back at us. He was lost. wandering. hopeless. It is my prayer that another seed was planted that night when he went to the Denver rescue mission.
You think you are the majority and it's a stab in the heart when you discover you're actually the minority. Just because your friends are "good" people doesn't mean they are saved. I guarantee every single one of us know a friend or an acquaintance that is searching. I challenge you to be the light in their dark world. Be the one to save their life. Some verses for encouragement:
"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?" Matthew 16:26

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" Matthew 28:19-20

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes..." Romans 1:16

I could go on and on and on, giving you verse after verse, but they're just empty words on a page if you don't believe or put them into practice. I would be lying to you if I said it wasn't terrifying going up to random strangers, and even more terrifying talk to those you know and have a relationship with. Terrified. That is how I felt yet again as we did stranger danger evangelism, but I am thankful for that experience. There is no time to waste. If you are debating telling someone, do it. Your reward in heaven is far more better than any friendship, position, or any other earthly belonging. YOU have a chance to save a life. Listen, if we are wrong about God we've only wasted our lives, but if they are wrong, they've wasted they're eternity.
Thursday, I was a tad mopey and I could not figure out why. I was in the mountains, at one of my dream schools, worshiping God, and having what should have been the time of my life. As I pondered what was wrong it hit me. I had prayed earlier, "Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours." He did just that as tears began to stain my cheeks, slowly they fell and as the music of worship continued I was weeping in with a broken heart that had been filled with joy! "Thank you Jesus" The only prayer that came to mind.
Friday night all who were called to made one last commitment at LTC. That is, Go all out for Jesus and make disciples who make disciples. Share his light where ever you go.
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven." Matthew 5:14-16
Don't hide your light! Shine it bright for all to see! Just because you do not proclaim the gospel wherever you go doesn't mean others won't hear it. For some, us as believers are the only Bible they will ever "read". In most cases actions speak louder than words, and in that case, love! Shine your light and LOVE!
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:7-10
I can't think of any better way to put it than that. After we signed the sign, marking our commitment, we prayed and continued to worship in the mountains.
Early Saturday morning we prepared to leave, me taking my sweet time to gather my things. I didn't want to leave, partially because I loved it there at CCU and loved Colorado, and partially because I was terrified. Wait a minute, Didn't I start this trip off being terrified? Yeah, I did, but this was a whole new kind of terrified. I was terrified that I would get home and fall into my old ways. I was terrified that I would grow distant from God, because in all honesty that past week I had been closer to God than I had ever been before. I was terrified I wouldn't keep my commitments. I was terrified. There were so many different things I was terrified about, and the longer I thought, the more things I added to the list.
Everything was finally loaded and we were ready to hit the road back home. "Here we go... Lord help me now. This is in your hands. Guide us. Lord don't let us return to our old ways, help us keep what we built with you." My prayer as we left CCU. As we stopped to pray at the Nebraska border as well as the Gage county line, my heart continued to beat faster.
7:30 P.M. We pulled into the church parking lot. This was it. The week was officially over and we were going back home. We unloaded the trailer, prayed, and went our separate ways.
As I laid in bed that night reminiscing with God about the different events that would change my life for good, I realized I had absolutely nothing to fear. I am a warrior. I am a soldier. I am a daughter. I am Gods and there is nothing anyone can do to change that, and because that is true, I can do anything as long as I have him by my side. This year is going to be one for the scrapbooks. There is no way I can keep the commitments I made by my self, but my Father in heaven is always watching and guiding my steps. So for now, I'm going to unplug from what society says is right, and plug into what my father says is best.
"It takes a soldier, who knows his orders to walk the walk I'm suppose to walk. And love like I'm not scared, give when it's not fair, live life for another, take time for a brother." Fix my eyes- For King and Country
Love, Fight the good fight, and talk to the one who gave you voice!

Esprit 2015- Do Something!

Hello all! It's been awhile. Hope all is well! I'm writing this blog in a quaint hotel  room on a sleepless night in beautiful Colorado (though by the time I post this I'll be back in good ol' Nebraska.). I'm here with a wonderful group called Esprit. For the past few months this has been my life. Practices, choreography, blocking, dress rehearsal, and finally tour in Colorado for a couple days and Nebraska for the rest of the week. My prayer leading up to tour was, "Lord, make this real. Make this mine. Grow us. Break up the fallow grounds of my heart. Mold me and make me into who YOU want me to be." For weeks I have prayed his prayer. You see two years ago on my first Esprit tour I re-dedicated my life to God with the help of a wonderful woman. Last year I experienced God's creation in a whole new way, by seeing the breathtaking mountains of Colorado for the very first time. This year not just the "Esprit year", but the 2014-2015 has been a whole new experience. I have grown not only as a person, but also in my relationship with God. I have felt Him in new ways that I never have before. Which brings me back to my prayer,"Make this real Lord. Make this mine.Grow me. Grow us. Break up the fallow ground of my heart. Mold me and make me into who you want me to be". These past couple of years of Esprit have been amazing! They have impacted my lives in huge ways! but this year I felt a special connection with God and answered prayers. I have never in my life felt as close to my Savior as I do now. He took his plow and broke the tough, calloused, skins covering my heart. Our relationship is ours. It's mine. Not that of my mom, or friends, or pastors, or that of what is expected of me. Our relationship has grown into something beautiful! It grew slowly as I watched my friends sing their hearts out for Jesus and my family and friends smile with joy in the audience. It grew as I watched the faces of the the children at camp IdRaHaJe light up with happiness and laughter. Then all at once as we stood performing in a park with a sight of mountains and the sun setting in the background. Yet that was not the sight I was watching. I was mesmerized by the three people just to my left. Three homeless people and three lost souls. I looked over during one of our more powerful songs,"Unredeemed" and as we sang these words, "It may be unfulfilled, It may be unrestored. but when anything that's shattered is layed before the Lord. Just watch and see it will not be unredeemed." My heart was crushed as I saw them worshipping the one and only God. After the performance I made a point to meet these lovely souls. Raymond, Heidi, and Gilbert. As I listened to their stories. I learned that they had been living on the streets for a long time. All three had health issues, but Heidi was especially bad. She lost most her teeth years ago, has breathing troubles, and her legs/ feet are in terrible condition. She can't walk, stand, or sit for long periods of time. She can't walk with out a cane, (a broom stick) or a shopping cart. I listened as they told me they felt abandoned, lost, and hopeless. I listened as the told how that had changed after our concert. They had so little, yet they had everything because they felt true love from the Lord. I was honored to pray with them and another friend. Before we left they told me we had changed their lives. With tears in my eyes I walked back to the bus and thought, "No. You changed mine.". At that moment God had torn away the last layer of callouses. He dug deep into the root of my heart and and plowed away the part that had caused such trouble. It was then that I finally realized the impact this group has on people. It was then that I knew exactly why I was not feeling God in my life recently. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a relationship as, " the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other". A relationship goes two ways. You're going to get out of it what you put in. If I wanted to see God in my life I needed to actively seek Him. " 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:12-13 If I am seeking Him with all my heart, I WILL find Him. I never felt Him, because I hardly ever spent time with Him. A personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the best relationship you can and ever will have, but it takes work. You can't just expect changes in your life if you don't read His word or spend time talking with Him. I was wanting to feel Him and see Him, but it was almost impossible, because I spent so little time with Him. Most time the most important relationship is the on you value the most and the one you put first. That should be our relationship with God, but often he is our last choice or last resort. Even if we are lost sheep on the run, He will leave the others to come searching for us and He will rejoice once we have come back! He loves us more than any words could describe. So instead of opening that Pinterest app, pointlessly scrolling through Facebook, spending hours on the internet or phone, or even just staring blankly at the T.V. Shut them off, close the pages, and open the pages that tell you story after story. Every genre can be found, love, fiction (Parables), Non-fiction, biography, auto-biography, mystery, and so so SO much more! You'll never know what you're missing out on until you unplug from the world and plug into the eternal life source!